Geekscape After Dark presents Caddy Shack-Up!

Welcome to Geekscape After Dark, where we talk about golf. For the uninitiated, golf is a sport perhaps best described by the greatest philosopher of the 20th century – George Carlin – as “hitting a ball with a crooked stick and then… walking after it. And then hitting it again.” He also equated the act of watching golf to watching flies fornicate with each other, which probably explains why there are relatively few movies about golf compared to movies about football, baseball, basketball, hockey, martial arts tournaments, ping pong, or practically any other professional sporting event.

Which is not to say that there aren’t some notable entries in the golfing sub-genre: The Greatest Game Ever Played was a well-made if formulaic inspirational drama, Tin Cup was a charmingly well-crafted romp (and arguably Kevin Kostner’s last great film) and The Legend of Bagger Vance had Will Smith in it, so it’s probably not all bad. But for years the only golf movie that managed to penetrate the public consciousness was Caddyshack, a hilarious comedy classic that is perhaps most memorable for having the least memorable protagonist in film history since… well, actually I can’t remember. (In the interest of irony, I will completely neglect to mention Caddyshack II.) So it only stands to reason that hot on the heels of the Caddyshack’s breakaway success – only six years later! – the pornographic industry would come up with their own golfing classic, Caddy Shack-Up.

This establishing shot establishes the presence of shots.

Geekscape After Dark reviews have occasionally been accused of hyperbole, which is ridiculous. (I mean, we hardly know ‘erbole!) But in the interest of fairness the following must be stated: Caddy Shack-Up may be one of the greatest golfing movies of all time (it’s in the Top 100, easily), but it’s not without its flaws. The decision to shoot on video can, with hindsight, be viewed as a poor choice, as it lends the film a very grungy veneer that feels ill-suited to a story set in a high-class country club. Budgetary concerns probably won out here – 70mm was probably never even considered – so the choice is completely understandable, but the result is a film that feels permanently rooted in its time period, forcing viewers to keep historical context in mind throughout the film’s entire running time. In this respect, Caddy Shack-Up is just like Norman Jewison’s The Thomas Crown Affair, or John Badham’s Saturday Night Fever.

But perhaps least forgivable is the film’s almost complete lack of any actual golfing. Like the original Caddyshack (and to a lesser extent Caddyshack II, although frankly everything is to a lesser extent in Caddyshack II), we are confronted with caddies who are, as one character describes, completely sex-crazed. “Sometimes I wonder how they have the energy to make it to the links.” Short answer: They don’t. Everyone appears to be too busy to actually do their jobs, and the one character who actually values their employment is portrayed as a “stuffed shirt,” which in the popular culture of the 1980’s was apparently the next worst thing to being Hitler.

Krysta Lane (Empire of the Sins, Mammary Lane) stars as Kathy Saunders, the daughter of a legendary golf pro who has, she modestly declares, “followed (her) dad around enough to know which golf clubs to use and when to use them.” As this skill set seems somewhat suited to the art of caddying, she has decided to become a caddy. But as she tells her new co-worker Stephanie (Tanya Foxx – Beverly Hills Copulator, The Ghostess with the Mostess), “I’m looking for a bigger game, more than a few trophies and a little bit of prize money.” i.e. She’s looking to marry one of the rich members, or even better, the president of the club. Being the industrious and independent young woman that she is, Kathy immediately gets to work, which involves far more sex with Stephanie than you’d expect, and far less golfing than the average viewer would think. Still, Stephanie isn’t a millionaire, and they wouldn’t be legally allowed to marry in California until a few short months in 2008 anyway, so we know that this isn’t the end of Kathy’s story. Will she find true lo… um, financial stability in exchange for sexual favors?

Meanwhile, one of the club members, Sam (Frank James – La Bimbo, Riding Miss Daisy) is offered putting lessons by his caddy Jo Anne (Purple Passion – National Pornographic, Sex She Wrote). Once again, however, Caddy Shack-Up cruelly teases its audience with the possibility of actually watching some golf, only to turn into something sordid. A putter does make an appearance, but is not used according to regulations.  But when mean ol’ Mr. Moss (Buddy Love – Backside to the Future 2, Laid in the USA), the president of country club, shows up and is about to catch Jo Anne giving putting lessons that would almost certainly make of Sam a pariah at any professional tournament (“He’s on the green. Sam needs this shot for the birdy. He’s taking out his putter… OH DEAR SWEET GOD IN HEAVEN, WHAT IS HE DOING?!”), it’s up to Kathy and her co-worker Mindy (Paula Harlow – Lust At Sea, Sky Foxes) to create a distraction. “Follow my lead,” Kathy says before taking her clothes off, which is a lot to ask of someone you’ve just met. But Kathy’s gambit works, and some very distracting sex ensues, so apparently you can get anyone to do just about anything if you just preface it with “Follow my lead.” Remind me to try it the next time I’m near a sorority car wash.

So Kathy successfully seduces the president of the country club, but for some reason the movie isn’t over. We soon discover why: Steve the Golf Pro, played by Steve Drake (Flamenco Ecstasy, Joannie Pneumatic), has fallen for Kathy, but she seems completely uninterested. He expresses his pain to his caddy Jimmy (F.M. Bradley – In and Out of Africa, Tail House Rock), who has similar problems wooing Stephanie. But all this talk of love once again distracts from the complete lack of golf in Caddy Shack-Up. Hope for the audience arrives in the shapely shape of Heidi (Lorrie Lovett – Broadway Fanny Rose, Sex Aliens), who swings the topic of conversation towards – mercifully – golfing! Steve the Golf Pro specifies that they have lots of golfing equipment – “We’ve got clubs and we’ve got balls and we’ve got divots” – while Jimmy suggests a 9-iron for her “short strokes.” When Heidi asks who’s going to tee off, Jimmy says, “We both are. No waiting in this establishment.” Which, of course, sounds great! It sounds like we’re in for a hell of a round of golf! But somehow everyone in the room misinterprets all of this golf lingo as some kind of sexual invitation and they all end up fornicating together instead, which is a little ridiculous. You’d think at least Steve the Golf Pro would know what he was talking about.

The plot takes an unforeseen turn when Kathy gets a cold shoulder from Mr. Moss, who insists that their relationship remain professional, causing Kathy to leave in a huff. We’re supposed to be sympathize with Kathy, but really, Mr. Moss is being the mature one in the relationship. Besides, we’re all secretly hoping she’ll end up with the more emotionally-available Steve the Golf Pro anyway. At the very least, Jimmy and Stephanie relationship finds a bit of closure when they take a break from golfing (yup – that’s the closest we get, folks) to have sex.

As Caddy Shack-Up brings itself to a close we find Steve the Golf Pro writing in his journal, his deepest thoughts pouring onto the page (thoughts which may or may not be about golf). But he’s distracted by Kathy, who looks sad. She’s thinking of quitting. Steve the Golf Pro tries to talk her out of it, pointing out that “Golfing’s in our blood” (just not, apparently, in the script). But Kathy admits that her backswing is off. Steve the Golf Pro offers to give her some pointers, assuming the proper teaching position behind her in order to coach her into… having sex?!

Now, if you’re anything like me, you’re probably thinking that Caddy Shack-Up is a complete rip-off, teasing the audience endlessly with promises of hardcore golfing action and instead delivering everything but the actual “golfing” part. But right at the end of the film, Steve the Golf Pro says something that may change your mind. After consummating his love for Kathy, he turns to her and says, “You know what? Golf is a lot like (fornicating). You don’t have to be great to do it.” On the surface, that sounds like a horrible thing to say to someone with whom you have just been fornicating with. But if you look deep down you’ll find that it beautifully illustrates the film’s underlying dichotomy of…

Wait, you see, the movie was great at sex, meaning that it’s okay that it was bad at golf… No, wait… Was the sex bad? Maybe the point was to have fun. Yeah, that’s it. But golf is kind of fun, and they didn’t actually have any golf, but the sex was…

Hmmm…

Maybe Caddy Shack-Up is a lot like golf. After all, as Arthur Daley said, “If you don’t take it seriously, it’s no fun. If you do take it seriously, it breaks your heart.” That’s the review in a nutshell. Caddy Shack-Up is a heartbreaking sports classic for the ages. But I still can’t quite shake the feeling that if Caddy Shack-Up actually had some golfing in it, I might have at least learned who Arthur Daley is.

In any case, at least it’s better than Caddyshack II.

Caddy Shack-Up is available on DVD from Caballero Classics.

For the life of me, I can’t figure out what movie is being advertised on the back of this newspaper.
Is it some kind of caucasian Cool Runnings?