From groups of neighborhood hooligans playing basketball in the street to nationally televised sporting events constantly preempting The Simpsons, sports are all around us. In mid-summer America we are currently mired in both the never-ending baseball season and the professional football pre-season. There are probably other sports happening in the world right now, but I can only maintain so many fantasy teams at once so back off!

No matter how much you may shun the popular notion of organized physical activities, you can’t avoid sports. Nor should you. After all, nobody said you have to get out and play a sport. Watching sports in groups can be a vastly entertaining and enlightening sociological study in Ordinary Person behavior.

So take a break from your Vader vs. Vader Soul Calibur IV marathon and go see what all the fuss is about.

Sports Fans

There are many types of sports fans, all varying in physical and socioeconomic makeup depending on where they live and which sport they follow. For example, American football fans tend to be louder and more uninhibited, while baseball fans consider themselves more cerebral and historically relevant. European soccer fans tend to be better at banner waving and punching each other, while tennis fans have mastered the art of not getting whiplash. There are many differences. However, there are three main types of sports fans you should know about before you walk into a room and start talking all kinds of crazy bullshit.

The Loyalist: Generally follows one team or sport through good times and bad over many years. Disparaging their particular obsession is more likely to lead to fisticuffs, so tread lightly.

The Generalist: Enjoys whichever sport is on at the time. Easier to talk to because they care less about what is happening in the game and more about the general experience.

The Bandwagoneer: Latches on to a popular team (usually a long-suffering underdog who is doing well that year) and pretends be a Loyalist. Due to their need to prove themselves, they tend to be the chattiest of sports fans. Try to punch holes in their knowledge!

Superstitions

One particularly interesting thing you will begin to notice during Sports Time is the prevalence of superstitious rituals and talisman worship. Depending on how the game is going for the team of interest, these rituals may include anything from a change of socks to the sudden mass eating of taquitos, which has been scientifically proven to lead certain football teams to touchdowns on 3rd and Goal. Don’t be scared by this voodoo-y turn of events: it’s just a sports fan’s way of helping their team. Here are some other common things you may see:

Rally Caps: When a team falls behind, caps are turned inside out towards the end of the game in an effort to release the spirits of bad juju from under the cap. Not recommended for expensive fedoras or hats that otherwise won’t turn inside out.

Lucky Clothing: Most fans will have at least one article of clothing related to their favored team. These must be worn religiously during games if the team is succeeding. If more than one article of clothing is available, the combination has to be tested and changed immediately if the team falters.

Shouting: Shouting disparaging remarks at opposing team members on the television is a helpful tool. It breaks their concentration and makes them feel bad about themselves. Be creative! Instead of calling someone a jerk or an asshole, try calling them a bloviating douche bag.

Location Changes: Teams can succeed or fail based on the global positioning of fans. Rotating or swapping seats acts as a reset button for a struggling team. If the favored team scores while you are out of the room, you may be asked to stay out of the room until something bad happens. Don’t be offended, this simply means that you possess god-like power over the outcome of the game.

Eat/Drink/Drink

Hopefully you won’t be on a diet when the time comes to attend a sports viewing party. Because without fail, there will be way too much food and almost none of it good for you. Expect several kinds of chips with various substances in which to dip them. Some sports are even associated with a specific salted nut or seed. Try to drink as much water as possible before you arrive to prepare your body for the onslaught of unnecessary sodium.

You should also expect to swim in a vast sea of beer, the most common sports-related beverage. If you plan on partaking of the brewage, it is customary and polite to bring at least a six-pack to contribute to the pile. Canned beers are ok, as they can be placed in the traditional sports-related beverage holder: the koozie. Be warned, though, that sporting events tend to last between 2.5 and 10 hours, so pace yourself.

The Sports Watching Geek

Now that you are prepared for who you will meet and what you will see, hear and consume, it’s time to watch the game. While sports may seem completely out of your realm of comfort and/or interest, they are in fact quite accessible to geeks given the proper direction. Baseball, for example, is a particularly geeky sport. Because games tend to move at an extremely slow pace, there are lots of gaps between moments of action which are generally filled with complicated mathematical statistics. If you enjoy that sort of thing, you might be able to maintain organic interest in the game. If not, try creating elaborate fictional back stories for the players based on your first impression of them.

A scene from the sport of Rugby, AKA British Twister

You can read up on the rules of a sport beforehand if you like, but you don’t always have to understand the game to appreciate what’s going on. Just follow the spirit of the crowd and use your superior powers of deduction to determine what has caused each instance of emotion. Try to limit use of the question “what just happened?” to two per half. Be prepared to stand up on occasion or jump up and down as the need arises. Practice your high-fiving accuracy, as well as “pounding it” (bumping clenched fists together in a show of manly solidarity).

Other than that, just have fun and revel in your newfound sportiness!