Geeks in Public Extra: Back to the Office

Venturing into the outside world can be overwhelming for a geek. However, with the proper guidance, any geek can learn the language and customs of Ordinary People in order to function, flourish and possibly even get some. So get up off the couch. Go beyond the front door! My name is Faye. I’m a fellow geek and I’m here to help you.

In our first lesson together oh so long ago, I discussed the pointless intricacies of corporate office employment. What I failed to mention at the time was the constant, unrelenting soul suckage inherent in such jobs. As geeks, our minds crave a higher level of entertainment and variety. So what’s a geek to do when they reach that inevitable and accelerated burnout point in order to keep those paychecks coming? Below is an example of how a typical geek might fill their day in order to give the appearance of being a happy and productive cog. Or at the very least not go too entirely insane.

8:13am – Arrive at Work. Attempt to appear frazzled and winded to deflect questions related to tardiness.

8:15am – Log on to computer. Open all necessary applications. Skim and subsequently ignore business-related email.

8:18am – Check Gmail. Delete unwanted messages and spam. Read Dictionary.com’s word of the day. Realize that job is killing your vocabulary in addition to your soul and vow to recapture your former academic glory by quitting immediately.

8:20am – Check Television Without Pity for recaps of shows you watched the night before. Read weecaps and recaplets online. Copy and paste full recaps of last week’s shows into Word document for Maximum Stealth Action.

8:30am – Read recaps. Keep hand on mouse for quick switching to Outlook inbox upon interloper approach.

9:00am – Re-arrange toys and action figures by height.

9:15am – Distracted by nail clipping sounds from neighboring cube. Email Vice President of company requesting action be taken against offenders.

9:30am – Check daily web comics.

10:00am – Team meeting. Keep eyes open through sheer force of will. Realize that job is killing all remnants of faith in human intelligence and vow to recapture former ability to give fellow man the benefit of the doubt by quitting immediately.

11:00am – Re-arrange toys and action figures alphabetically by surname of public identity.

11:30am – Check Gmail. Delete messages related to enlarging manhood. Verify all games, crafts, social networking, media and sports-related sites and blogs are still blocked by the humorless corporation that has enslaved you.

12pm – Lunch away from desk so they can’t find you.

1pm – Return to desk. Note stale fart smell that has enveloped the area. Reminisce about ComicCon. Open flickr account and look at photos of ComicCons past. Consider career in photography.

1:30pm – Check Gmail. Realize that job-based frustrations have caused you to become a hermit, thereby killing your social life, which explains why you have no email from friends since you have nothing to talk about since you never do anything anymore but watch tv. 

1:31pm – Check Television Without Pity for new recaps.

2:00pm – Re-arrange toys and action figures into hoedown formation. 

2:15pm – Consider creative solution to a problem presented by a superior. Decide instead to take blandest and easiest route possible. Realize that job is killing your desire to think and create and vow to recapture former creativity by quitting immediately.

2:15pm – Make hypothetical travel plans on Priceline.com. Entertain elaborate fantasies about winning the lottery.

3:00pm – Peanut Butter Cup Break.

3:15pm – Adjust Netflix queue. Realize there is not enough time in the world to watch all the classics you just added, which you should have already seen by now if you are to call yourself any sort of movie nerd. Assuage guilt by remembering how many terrible straight-to-video horror movies you have endured. Move National Treasure: Book of Secrets to top of queue.

3:30pm – Rename all co-workers using the Sarah Palin Baby Name, Smurf Name and Pirate Name Generators. Attempt same exercise with Porn Name Generator. Get disturbed by unwelcome mental images of co-workers. Cleanse brain with visit to Engrish.com.

4:00pm – Re-arrange toys and action figures into procedural drama courtroom scene.

4:15pm – Google various British soap operas and determine how many characters you still recognize. Realize your job is killing your hopes, dreams, youth and good looks and vow to recapture former glory, weight and facial elasticity by immediately quitting and moving to England.

4:45pm – Sign timecard.

4:54pm – Begin closing all necessary applications.

4:57pm – Log off of computer. Stare at screen until clock on phone reads:

5:00pm – Flee workplace as if pursued by a vindictive banshee. Return home to bask in the unconditional love of your dog and your television.

As you can see, this is no way to spend the majority of one’s waking hours. Don’t tolerate such mediocrity! Quit Your Day Job isn’t just a Swedish band who sings about pissing on pandas. It’s a suggestion, a necessity, a hope for a better future. Go forth and be awesome, my fellow geeks.