Venturing into the outside world can be overwhelming for a geek. However, with the proper guidance, any geek can learn the language and customs of Ordinary People in order to function, flourish and possibly even get some. So get up off the couch. Go beyond the front door! My name is Faye. I’m a fellow geek and I’m here to help you.

Possibly no other type of establishment is of as great an interest to Ordinary People as the common bar. Alternately known as taverns, pubs, cantinas or good time boozeries, bars are a welcome oasis at the end of a bad day as well as a gathering spot in times of celebration. They can range in atmosphere from the musty comfort of a casual dive to the frenetic sparkle of an all-out ass factory, but they all share at least two basic characteristics: people will be talking and people will be drinking. This means they are a perfect arena for geeks to use and/or develop their talking and drinking skills. They are also often swarming with chicks.

Chicks, or “ladies” as they sometimes prefer to be called, tend to frequent bars in packs. This does not always mean they are on the prowl, but it does put the odds in your favor. Even among a small group of ladies, chances are there will be at least one who is willing to talk to you for a certain amount of time. Recognizing signs of interest and using your allotted time wisely can help put you on the path towards future girl interactions.

So put on a clean shirt and let’s head to the bar!

Booze & You

Venturing into the world of alcohol consumption can be initially worrisome for a geek. We tend to enjoy a modicum of control over our physical and mental faculties, and the addition of alcohol to the bloodstream can threaten that control. If you feel more comfortable continuing to maintain your sobriety, simply order a soda in a short glass with some kind of garnish. The bartender won’t give a crap what you order, and it will at least give the illusion of your participation in the sloppiness.

If you DO choose to imbibe, the best advice is to go slow. After the first drink, your brain may start to feel tingly and emit a strange feeling of general well-being which would dictate continuing on the same path. Just remember that once you kick off the drinking, your brain slowly becomes an idiot. Limiting yourself during the first phases of boozing is a new drinker’s best chance at avoiding unwanted ridiculousness. Here are a few more simple rules:

• Don’t drink something just because someone hands it to you.
• Don’t mix your alcohols no matter what drinking poetry you are quoted.
• Each drink you consume has a 15-20 minute lag time to reach its maximum effect. Just because you feel the warm glow of universal happiness NOW doesn’t mean you should immediately order another.

Be wary of alcohol’s siren song. Once you go black label, it is very difficult to go back. If you decide to drink, stick to drinking in public at first. Because apparently “social” drinking is much more acceptable than drinking $5 bottles of wine alone in your apartment while watching “Home Movies” on a continuous loop every night.

The Art of Conversation

Things move quickly in a bar, especially conversation topics. This is a struggle for geeks whose area of expertise tends to be specialized (i.e. Horror Geek). Theme Geeks often make the mistake of sticking too closely to one topic, even insisting on revisiting said topic long after it has been exhausted. This is directly contradictory to the natural flow of bar talk and can be upsetting to the Ordinary People who are trying to bask in their own randomness.

Rather than wait through an evening of conversation on the off chance that someone will begin a lively debate about which is the superior Wishmaster film*, it is a good idea to brush up on more general knowledge before a trip to the bar. Peruse some popular celebrity gossip websites. Write down some amusing anecdotes from your past (exclude the one about the time you singed off your eyebrows soldering your robot girlfriend together). Smaller bits of information on a wider array of topics will help you insert yourself more naturally into the conversation.

Chicks: A Primer

From the shrews of the old Bard to the remakes of the shrews of the old Bard, Hollywood has shown us that ladies can be a fickle bunch. Apart from the absence of a best-selling pop soundtrack, this is a true thing. Making things even more confusing is the fact that unseasoned geeks will have a difficult time reading any signals said ladies may or may not be giving off.

One good way to gauge the direction of a situation is to identify the major topics she is bringing to the conversation. If she wants to talk to you about abstract things, that is a good sign. Abstractions such as general feelings and life philosophies are considered “deeper” topics and can lead to the use of such bullcrap terms as “soulmates” and “getting each other.” However, if the lady starts talking about other boys or how badly she is PMS-ing right then, sorry. You are in the Friend Zone and it will likely be a cold day in the Hellmouth before she thinks of you “like that.”

Topics YOU should avoid when speaking to a girl include other girls in the bar, extensive action figure collection(s) and inappropriately inaccurate word origins (i.e. “picnic”).

Another way to determine whether or not you have a chance at some smooch-style action is by paying close attention to body language. Girls do all sorts of things with their hair, hands and posture to indicate whether or not they would consider allowing a boob touch. Below is a table detailing some of the more common female body languages you will see at a bar.

Bars are a vast source of inspiration, human contact and creative photos of half-full beer glasses. Now stop reading this and get your ass to the booze barn!

* The craptastic Wishmaster III: Beyond the Gates of Hell is my personal choice due to a fine performance by perennial horror favorite A.J. Cook, though Michael Trucco’s smoking hot presence in Wishmaster IV: The Prophecy Fulfilled does cast some doubt on my already laughable decision.