Gayscape #6 – The Top 10 Gayest Costumes in Comic Book History
By definition, almost all Super Hero and Super Villain costumes are at least a little bit gay. I mean, they tend to be skin tight, multi-colored outfits with lots of emphasis on showing off the muscles (or the boobage in the case of the women). Those who wear them also seem to have a fetish for wearing the underwear on the outside. It’s amazing how many comic book fanboys are as homophobic as they are, considering the entire genre of super hero comics is a giant soap opera about the relationships and struggles of amazingly hot people wearing what ultimately amounts to fetish gear. So here I’m going to examine the gayest super hero looks of all time. Now mind you, I’m not saying any of these heroes are actually gay themselves, simply that their look sports a strong gay aesthetic. (Well, maybe some are gay. I think the jury is still out on one of them). So here we go, counting down from #10…the gayest comic book costumes of all time, as voted by no one and determined soley by yours truly:
#10 : The Bi-Beast
The Bi-Beast is a Hulk villain that is essentially just a muscle bound golden android wearing little blue trunks. True to his name, the Bi-Beast sports two heads, one containing knowledge and the other containing something else that I already forgot. Ultimately, his head looks kinda like a weirdly shaped uncut penis. Plus, his name is Bi-Beast for crying out loud. That alone gets him on this list. The Bi- Beast doesn’t show up too much these days, probably because everyone at Marvel can’t write his name without giggling.
Oh, and if they make another Hulk movie, I suggest they get Lindsay Lohan to play the Bi-Beast. C’mon….you know it fits.
#9: Luke Cage
These days, Luke Cage is a prominent figure in the Marvel Universe as a member of the New Avengers. He doesn’t wear any kind of traditional super hero outfit, instead preferring to “keep it real” by just wearing thuggy looking street clothes. YAWN! I much prefer Luke Cage’s original outfit when he first appeared way back in 1972, wearing what amounts to a low cut yellow blouse, open down to his crotch, with poofy sleeves. He also wears a pair of silver bracelets and a tiara, just like DC’s Wonder Woman. (Too bad Wonder Man’s name was already taken over at Marvel). His belt was a chain, I guess that was supposed to balance out all the fagginess. I might have eased off because of that, but those blue tights really seal the deal. Seriously, Luke Cage could have filled the Super Hero slot in the Village People if they had one.
#8: The Mighty Hercules
No, not Kevin Sorbo. Marvel’s Hercules. The guy they put on the Avengers when Marvel editorial doesn’t let them use Thor. He’s here on the list to represent the Bear community. Bearded and burly, good ol’ Herc wears nothing but a sash across his hairy muscular chest and a little green and brown toga. But the gayest part of his outfit has gotta be the thigh high sandals that make him look he’s heading out to the local leather community fair.
#7: Firestorm
DC Comics’ most powerful C-Lister. Seriously, think about it: His powers are being able to transform all inorganic matter. That’s some Superman/Green Lantern level shit right there. Yet, despite many attempts, he’s always relegated to second stringer status in the JLA. Maybe it’s because his outfit is just a tad too queer? It kind of looks like a gay dancer at Carnival in Rio. Really, just look at those giant poofy sleeves. And the guy’s hair is made of fire. I mean, really….insert joke here. They’ve tried to de-gay Firestorm’s outfit over the years, but it always reverts back to the poofy sleeves and flared shoulder pads. As it should be.
#6: Storm
While most female heroes in comics are scantily clad, most are scantily clad in a traditionally boring way, meant only to titillate the straight male readership. In other words, it’s all cleavage and bare mid-riffs. Very few superhero women have any kind of extreme, fashionable sexiness. But one character who always did was the X-Men’s Storm. Created in 1975 for the “All New All Different” X-Men, Storm was an African Goddess of considerable power. In fact, after Prof. X and Jean Grey, I’d say Storm is the next most powerful X-Man. X-Person. Whatever. The late Dave Cockrum designed her outfit, one that looks like something Grace Jones might have worn while doing blow at Studio 54. Plus, the giant mane of white hair and the cool white eyes just made Ororo Monroe into one of the most striking “strutting down the runway” looks of any of the female heroes. If only Halle Berry had had an ounce of the comic book Storm’s fierceness to spare in the movies.
#5: Gribmor, the Chainsman
An obscure Legion of Super Heroes villain, Grimbor first appeared back in a 70’s issue of Superboy. Apparently, Grimbor’s only power is creating complicated chains, bonds and other forms of confinement. Essentially, he was the first (and only?) S&M inspired Super Villain. His outfit is seriously out of control, like something you might see in German bondage porn. Grimbor wears what appears to be a black leather one piece, leather straps and lots of chains. He made very few appearances over the years, although he did show up in an episode of Kid’s WB’s recent Legion of Super Heroes cartoon series. Needless to say, his look was way less gay. And way less memorable
#4: Stryfe
Rob Liefield. The name alone sends shivers down the spines of most fanboys with any taste. But between 1990 and 1994, Rob was a very popular artist and creator. Let’s give the man some credit; after all, he created literally dozens of characters that you don’t care about today. Ok, a few like Cable and Deadpool are still around. But with the exception of Deadpool, very little of what Rob designed about those characters remains. Most of his creations sported some weird athletic look that evoked the extreme sports craze of the early 90’s, and they were all indistinguishable from one another. Except for Stryfe. Stryfe is some evil clone of Cable or something. Who cares about that? Let’s talk outfit! Stryfe wears shiny chrome armor with giant shoulder pads, phallic spikes coming out from all over, and giant flowing red cape and what looks to be one of the heaviest and most heavily accessorized helmets in villain history. The whole thing looks like something Bob Mackie would design for a Cher tour. It’s that over the top. I don’t think anyone is clamoring for the return of Stryfe, but someone should dust off his old outfit at least. Let Dazzler use it in one of her shows maybe.
#3: Namor the Submariner
King of the Ocean Depths. Sovereign ruler of Atlantis. Bad attitude. Nope, not Aquaman. Despite being reffered to oh so nicely as “Aquafag” on HBO’s Entourage, the gayest sea dweller costume award goes to Marvel’s Namor. Why? Simple. It’s barely a costume. At all. Namor is all buff (yet lean) with a perfect Michael Phelpsian swimmer’s body, and his costume more or less is just a pair of green speedos. He never shows much of a bulge, though; I’m sure being in the water most of the time might have something to do with that. Adding even more gayness are the tiny little wings at Namor’s feet that allow him to fly, defying even the lamest comic book physics. And Namor always seems to have the most perfectly tweezed eyebrows this side of all those young Mexican gay boys that go to all the Morrissey concerts. No one to my knowledge has ever accused the Sub-Mariner of looking queer, though, and considering he’s been known to flood the city of New York when he’s in a bad mood, I can see why. I can only hope that if there is ever a Namor flick they keep the costume the exact same way.
#2: Dazzler
One of the few women on this list. Dazzler was created by Marvel in the late 70’s in what was then one of the weirdest scenarios in comics, a multi media co-creation. Disco label Casablanca records would create a singer named Dazzler, then a movie studio would get a star to play her in a movie, and finally Marvel would chronicle her comic book adventures. By 1980, the “Disco Sucks” backlash had started, and everyone but Marvel had pulled out of the project, leaving them with a new character to promote. Apparently, Dazzler’s outfit was designed by a young John Romita Jr. I believe Mr. Romita to be very straight, but he was channeling some serious gay energy the day he designed Dazzler. Looking like every single disco cliche, Dazzler sported a shiny silver jumpsuit with a flared collar, mirrored roller skates, and an actual disco ball hanging around her neck. Not only that, but she had some kind of Butterfly mask. Dazzler’s powers were something like turning sound to light or some shit, but her true power was her fabulousness. Despite selling 400,000 copies of her first issue (a staggering amount by today’s standards) Dazzler’s series was in the shitter by 1985. Then they tried to make her look more Flashdance and less Xanadu to fit with the times. She still shows up today, usually in an X-men book, but is always wearing a different outfit. As far as I’m concerned, if she ain’t wearing them skates and that Disco ball, it ain’t the real deal. She ain’t my girl. The new Dazzler doesn’t dazzle me. She’s an impostor.
#1: Cosmic Boy
Cosmic Boy is the alias of Legion of Super Heroes founder Rokk Krinn (I know, it sounds like a 30th Century porn star name). He first appeared in 1958 in the very first Legion story, wielding magnetic powers and sporting a hot pink outfit, one that he more or less wore throughout the rest of the 60’s and into the next decade. But amazingly, that’s NOT the outfit that gets him on this list – hot pink or not. Nope, in the mid 70’s, many Legion members got snazzy new costumes designed by comic book legend Mike Grell. To reflect the over-sexed decade, many of those costumes showed a lot of skin. Including Cosmic Boy’s; whose new outfit more or less replaced all the pink in his previous costume with bare skin, leaving him in more or less a black bustier and black gloves and boots. It kind of looks like a bit like Tim Curry as Dr. Frank N. Furter from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. I’m not really sure what the Hell is holding that costume up, but maybe it’s made out of metal or something, and it’s just Cos holding it up with his magnetic powers. Or something. It seriously is so gay that I can’t believe that no one at DC said anything about it back then. There are more famous heroes (like Namor) who could have taken this top spot, but as far as I am concerned, Cosmic Boy takes the cake for gayest comic book outfit of all time.
