Gayscape #13: The Greatest Would Be Gay Power Couples

Ok, first things first, this is not an article about which characters in the Marvel and DC Universes are really gay or not — mostly because I already did that. I don’t really think ANY of these characters are or should be gay. But just for shits and giggles, let’s say they suddenly all turned queer. Let’s face it, stranger things have happened in both universes. Mr Mxyzptlk once turned the Justice League all into members of the opposite sex and recently we discovered an alternate universe where the Marvel heroes were all apes. So everyone suddenly turning homo? As I said, stranger things have happened.

So assuming everyone who was straight turns gay (and, I suppose, everyone gay turns straight, meaning there is a very butch version of Northstar now) who makes for the best couples? In my opinion, these here would be LGBT (Super) Powered Couples of all time.

THE BEST LGBTSPC’s!

Reed Richards and Hank Pym

A match made in gay nerd heaven. Let’s face it, even in the “real” Marvel Universe, Hank Pym kind of hero-worships the good doctor. He’s always deferring to Reed as the #1 Scientific mind in the world. Not that the former Ant-Man isn’t great, but still, you don’t see him on the Illuminati, do you? Still, good old Hank is a genius. Reed always seems bored by Sue, as 45 years worth of marital troubles can attest to. Let’s face it: She’s a trophy wife. They are married because she’s hot and that’s it. In the Marvel Gayverse, Reed still has a thing for hot blondes, making his pairing with Hank a perfect match. And at least Hank can keep up with him in conversations instead of getting that glazed over look on his face whenever he starts spouting off about quantum singularities and shit. There could be a problem though, as Hank Pym has a legendary inferiority complex, he might try to back hand Reed one day just like he did to the Wasp in the regular Marvel Universe. But I doubt Reed would put up with that shit for a minute, he’s send him straight to the Negative Zone. So maybe it won’t be too much of a problem.

And one more thing that speaks to their compatibility, at least in bed: Reed can make parts of his body bigger, And Hank can make parts of his body smaller. As Stan Lee would say, “’nuff said”.

Superman and Batman

Opposites attract, right? Well, that’s what Paula Abdul said. Even in the regular DCU, these two almost already have a sexual chemistry, the way they bicker all the time, and then somehow find a way to make up and find common ground once again. It’s almost romantic. Batman is always making snarky remarks towards Superman, but to me that’s like the little boy who pulls the little girl’s pigtails on the playground. We all know it means he really likes him. In the regular DCU, we know Clark has a thing for hot sarcastic brunettes that have no powers yet can take care of themselves (more or less). In the gayverse this translates to none other than Batman. I think Bruce would have a really hard time saying th L word to Clark, and that might lead to problems; but I’m sure if you were to ask them what makes their relationship work, Superman would say “He needs someone to save him” and Batman would say “He’s the only one who makes me laugh”. Besides, both Superman and Batman are ridiculously handsome, and guys that hot only ever date other guys that hot. It’s the unwritten rule. Well, it’s written…but in my life.

Oh, and super powers or not, Batman is ALWAYS on top. C’mon, you know you were wondering.

Wonder Woman and Storm

Ok, they exist in two different universes. For the sake of this article, the Gay Versions of the Marvel and DCU are one and the same, ok? A lot of people might assume that Wonder Woman’s natural pairing would be She Hulk or Ms. Marvel or someone super strong like that, but I say no…It’s Storm. Both are royalty, both have at one time or another been reffered to as a Goddess, and both have the whole Earth Mother nurturing thing going on. In the regular DCU, Wonder Woman once dated an African American guy naved Trevor Barnes, so we know she likes a little brown sugar. These two would be a match made in Heaven…or Olympus.

Cyclops and The Silver Surfer

I know it seems odd, but think about it; Scott Summers clearly has a thing for people WAY more powerful than he is. Like, Cosmically powerful. Plus, Scott could take off his ruby quartz sunglasses with old Norrin Radd, as that stuff will just bounce right off the Surfer without a scratch. The Surfer has less of a track record of going insane and eating stars than Jean Grey does (don’t blame him for Galactus’ issues) therefore leaving our good X-Man in better shape emotionally. The only thing I see standing in the way of Cosmic Bliss here is I’m not really sure if the Surfer actualy has any genitalia. That might pose a problem.

Catwoman and the Black Cat

At least you know they could borrow stuff from each other’s closets and it would be totally cool, right? I actually think they are way too similar to work out long-term, but they would have a nice brief dating period where they would have lots of crazy cat sex. Like the kind you hear in the middle of the night that wakes you up, even though it’s coming from across the street. You know what I’m talking about.

Green Lantern and Green Arrow

In case any one is wondering, I mean Oliver Queen and Hal Jordan, not any of their usurpers. The same circumstances that made these two the bestest of buds in the regular DCU would translate perfectly to the Gayverse. Hal is the more conservative ex military guy, Ollie is the brash ultra liberal. These two spent much of the 70’s and 80’s bickering Han Solo and Princess Leia style, so much so that you wish they’d just get a room already. Despite all their differences, these two have a lot in common as well, making for a perfectly balanced relationship. Plus: Both are really into green, which makes decorating a place together so much less of a hassle.

Nightwing and the Winter Soldier

Both are former kid sidekicks to famous bad ass super heroes, Nightwing having worn the famous green undies and booties of Robin for 40 + years, and The Winter Soldier having been Bucky Barnes, who was essentially a Robin knock-off during World War II and kid partner to Captain America. Unlike Robin however, he didn’t have to wear his gay little outfit forever, as he was killed off by the end of the 40’s and actually stayed dead for sixty years. Eventually, both of these characters got “Bad Ass” makeovers, first when Robin became Nightwing and then when Bucky was ressurected as the Winter Soldier. (And just like that, they each have a fan base.)

Nightwing and Bucky are perfect for each other because their life journies are so similar. They can relate to each other in a way that no one else can really understand. They both like those little Domino masks, and both wear that same goofy floppy hair that must really be annoying when fighting someone in an alley. Right now in the regular comic book universes, Winter Soldier is the new Captain America, and more than likely Dick Grayson is going to be the new Batman. But it won’t last, and both will be relegated to their old identities in no time. In my world they can cry on each other’s shoulders when that happens, and then make sweet love down by the fire.

The Scarlet Witch and Zatanna

In the regular Marvel Universe, Wanda Maximoff AKA The Scarlet Witch has had weird taste in men, having married the android Vision. I think Wanda would maybe not have gone crazy and tried to destroy the Avengers and gotten rid of all the mutants if she had been with another, more nurturing, magic user…someone like Zatanna? Scarlet Witch is clearly the more powerful one, but I think she needs a Zatanna to keep her in balance. It could be a very cute relationship though, very Willow and Tara from Buffy. Hopefully this relationship ends better than that one. Besides, how could Wanda resist those fishnets and that top hat? No one can.