Game of Thrones Post Game: A Man Without Honor
We’ve come to it: The first episode of Game of Thrones that I didn’t really enjoy. About half of it ran like a collection of deleted scenes that would have been cut for running time. But still I carry on- for I, who can be followed @joestarr187, am the man that must write the jokes! TO THE MAP!
BEYOND THE WALL!
I’ll say this: ‘A Man Without Honor’ was boring as hell until Ygritte finally said her catch phrase, and then the episode literally took off running. I’m not even sure where to start. Jon and Ygritte woke up. She made a boner joke. Then they walked around for a while. Then we watched scenes with other characters that accomplished nothing. Then Jon and Ygritte walked around some more. Ygritte said ‘You know nothing, Jon Snow,’ and the heavens opened up, and light cascaded down onto the nerdy indoor kids that devour these books. Meaning me. Then we watched scenes with other characters that were much better than pre ‘know nothing Jon Snow’ scenes. And then Ygritte got away and led Jon right into a rebel encampment. Those uniforms look familiar… Are they on Hoth? If they’re on Hoth, then if Jon finally bangs Ygritte he had better say ‘and I thought they smelled bad…on the outside!’ At least we’ll know that he’ll shoot first.
Burn.
WINTERFELL!
Really? You’re going to open the show with Theon and his gross rape whistle nipples? Fun fact: Girls that think Theon is hot are to dorkdom what girls that were like ‘grrl don’t u judge Chris Brown u don’t know him’ are to hip hop.
Anyway, Theon isn’t happy about the Stark kids escaping. I’ll give him this: the reaction on his face when one of his guys laments that ‘the giant must have taken them’ was pretty priceless. But seriously, fuck this guy for terrorizing Winterfell and its twelve residents.
Meanwhile, Bran and Rickon are making their escape with Hodor and Tonks from Harry Potter. Honestly, I can’t remember her name right now and I’m too mad at her to look her up.
Why U a hater Joe Starr?
I’m a hater because there are supposed to be two awesome kids named Jojen and Meera Reed helping the gang escape and teaching Bran about his weird dreams, but it looks like they’re rolling the characters into Osha. I totally get that there are already too many characters and sometimes for an adaptation, people have to go and that Game has done a remarkable job juggling its massive supporting cast but, well, this one got me a little butt hurt, ok?
Just a little butt hurt.
Oh and Theon comes back to Winterfell with two burned up little boys. Are they Bran and Rickon? Would HBO have really passed up the opportunity to burn two young main characters alive on screen?
THE ROBB ZONE
Robb meets with Redshirt Lannister, who informs him that Cersai isn’t all that impressed by his being the King of the North. Robb rewards him by putting him in a cell with Jaime Lannister. AND WHAT A REWARD IT IS. Wait for it.
Lady Nurse drops in and lets Robb know she needs supplies to treat the wounded and suggests that the Westerlings of the Crag, whose surrender Robb is leaving to oversee will have them. Robb suggests she just come with him and get the supplies herself, which she doesn’t seem crazy thrilled about. Or does she? Is she someone important? SPOILER ALERT: She stole the dragons!
Redshirt Lannister might as well be a 14 year old girl/46 year old creepy dude in a cell with Justin Beiber. He is gushing to be in a cell with Jaime Lannister. We haven’t seen much of Jaime, so he’s back with a vengeance: The two have an awesome scene about how Redshirt once squired for Jaime and Jaime squired for Barristan Selmy and how amazing it was. And then Jaime beats him to death so that a guard opens the cell. And then Jaime chokes out the guard and bails. This is why I’m assuming there are more than 20 variations of a ‘Fuck Yeah Jaime Lannister’ tumblr. The Kingslayer deserves every animated gif the world makes him.
He’s not out for long, however. He gets dragged back and the camp is pissed. And Catelyn Stark needs him alive to trade him out for her daughters. So her and Brienne are gonna do something real dumb. Like, really dumb.
That scene with Jaime and Redshirt was so good though. Thank god Ygritte said her catchphrase or the whole episode could have been Daenerys making frumpy faces. And speaking of frumpy faces…
QARTH
Dragons are still gone. Daenerys yells at some people. She has a repeat of last week’s chat with Jorah Mormont. That weird blanket face lady is back and she’s sort of stupid. The Warlocks have the dragons and kill the Thirteen. Xaro Ducksauce reveals himself to be The Outsiders’ third man and crowns himself the King of Qarth, brother.
“You know something, Mean Gene…these dragons can stick it, dude”
Qarth is stupid in the books, too. We can’t get out of here fast enough.
KING LANDING
Oh shit, Sansa is bleeding out her vag! Now Joffrey gets to hit her with props have kids with her! Shae tries to help her hide it but then The Hound finds all that blood on the sheets! It’s like a Judy Bloom novel: ‘Are you there God? It’s Me Sansa and This Guy With a Burned Face Knows I Had My First Period.’
But don’t worry! It’s…Cersei to the rescue? Cersei was weirdly nice to everyone in this episode. I’m getting scared that the next one is just going to with a ‘Cersei slits all the throats’ montage. She has a quiet scene with Sansa where she tells her that love is a weakness she should only give to her children, and then an even touchinger scene with Tyrion of all people. But would it have killed them to give us a hard cut to of Bronn making a funny reaction face at the end?
HARRENHAL
I can’t say enough good things about Tywin and Arya. The whole show could be about them with ravens flying in every now and then to give updates on the other 106 characters and I’d be ok with it. Every now and then Tyrion and Bronn could stop in because they’re staying in the guest house. It’ll be like a Neil Simon play. Except good.
Overall, this was a rough episode. It meandered and dragged and a few killer scenes and performances carried it across the finish line. You know, like the Dark Knight. Oh really? It’s a perfect movie? What was your favorite scene that didn’t have a Heath in it?
The boatz wuz so dramatic!
Man. I’m really negative today. See what happens when you take away my Reeds? I turn into a little bitch. A little Reedless bitch.
