Pulp Science: Four Relaxation Gadgets That Suck

Websites that sell “high end” (aka high priced) tech to lazy rich people will tell you “The Future is Now!” Do not believe them.

1. Robot Massage Pod

Massage technology doesn’t work. I’ve spent hours in my crappy massage chair, and I think it actually adds knots to my back.

Massage chairs suck. Handheld massage devices suck. Massage backpacks suck. And I’m sure this thing that looks like a tanning bed but is really supposed to be a robotic masseuse sucks, too.

And don’t think because Dainichi markets the Auto Healther Reiz DZ-270 as a robot that I’m buying it. I like robots, but come on. Does it light the candles and play the New Age pan flute music too? I think not. Happy ending? Nope. You’d mess up the circuitry… FYI: $13,500 price tag. Pass.

2. Chinese Guy’s Massage Chair

Good Lord.

78-year-old Lin Shuseng spent 8 years building this “robo-massage chair” out of scrap metal in order to soothe his wife’s aching joints.  In what universe could someone relax in this thing? It looks like a torture device for steampunk nerds.

At least it was only a sweet anniversary gift and he’s not actualy trying to pass this rusty robot creature onto us.

3. Human Washing Machine

Claustrophobic? Hope not. Then how would you be shampooed, showered, steamed, aromatherapied, and lotioned by this piece of crap?

Hey everybody! It’s the Santelubain 999! And you only need one technician on hand to operate it!

Jesus. Is it that hard to frakkin’ stand up?

4. The Hydroglass

Perhaps the shittiest thing EVER. If you’re a greedy rich douchebag who not only needs to shower lying down, but also wishes to mock goldfish while doing it, then this future-of-suck shower table is for you.

There’s seven shower heads fixed to the top of this monstrosity and a hand-held head for Smithers, Alfred, or whatever you call your servant so he can share looks of hatred with the aquatic life forms while scrubbing your ass.

Nar Williams hosts Science of the Movies, Thursdays at 10pm on Science Channel, and Heads Up! He’s also on Twitter.