Geekscape’s Guide to the Gauntlet: For Your Height Only
GAUNTLET(n) gawn – t – lit : A marathon of the worst movies, preferrably VHS, that you, your friends, your family, and your enemies have ever seen. This marathon must last all night. Those who survive the night will live on to tell the tale. Those who don’t will not regret a single thing, except staying asleep while the survivors screw with them. The following is a Geekscape-Approved Gauntlet Film. Enjoy.
Name of the Gauntlet Film: For Your Height Only
Genre: Spy Comedy
Tag Line: Bigger than Goldfinger’s Finger – Bigger Than Thunderball’s …
Year of Release: 1981
Cast: Weng Weng, Yehlen Catral, Beth Sandoval
Director: Eddie Nicart
Writer: Cora Ridon Caballes
Running Time: 88 minutes
Plot: Mr. Giant kidnaps Dr. Van Kohler and is going to use the doctor’s “N-Bomb” to hold the world hostage. That is, if agent ‘00 doesn’t stop him first!
Breaking Point: It depends on how long before midget humor gets old. For me, never.
Similar Films: Thunderball, Goldfinger, Dorf on Golf
Pain Equivalency: Getting kissed on the kneecap by Gimli. It won’t hurt you, but it is a bit on the creepy side.
Review: Imagine if James Bond was from the Philipines. Imagine if Derek Flint was 2′ 9″. Imagine a movie that will change your stance on dwarf tossing within the first ten minutes! For Your Height Only stars the shortest leading man ever to be captured on celluloid. With his Anton Chigurh hair cut and dapper white suit, Weng Weng brings life to Agent ’00, a secret agent with all the gadgets and all the girls.
This one-and-a-half hour midget joke is the definition of Gauntlet. How long can you handle a one-note film? There is really no other entertaining value to this movie other than the fact that this is all about a tiny guy with a poorly dubbed imp voice. For me, I can make it pretty far into For Your Height Only before I get bored, but that is only because I think short people are hilarious – I guess that’s where Randy Newman and I differ.
The story in For Your Height Only is pretty simple, Mr. Big is trying to get the plans for the “N-Bomb”. It is up to super secret spy Agent ’00 to stop Mr. Big from dropping an N-Bomb. on the world and controlling it. I am not sure what an N-Bomb is, but I am pretty sure that it is not what I’m thinking. I hope. The plot of For Your Height Only follows the James Bond formula, including the theme song. One of the problems that comes along with following the 007 formula is the fact that there has to be a love interest. This girl who plays Weng Weng’s love interest could not be any less interested in doing a love scene with a two-foot-nine little person. I have never seen a woman on screen kiss anyone with her lips puckered so tightly. Not that I blame her, but seriously, she knew what she ewas getting into ahead of time.
This film is seriously a one joke wonder that really has to be seen to be appreciated. Jokes span from Weng Weng crawling on bad guys, to parachuting from a seven story building using a patio umbrella. After about the fiftieth short joke, things start to get pretty old, but just when you think you’ve had enough, Agent ’00 straps on a jetpack and is thrusted into one of the most bizaar climaxes to ever take place under a table. You see, Mr. Big is actually a regular sized little person, who happens to tower over Agent ’00.
When I first saw For Your Height Only, it was only available on videotape in a liquor store. Nowadays it is readily available on any online DVD retailer. Until I get my hands on the second ’00 adventure, ”The Impossible Kid”, For Your Height Only will remain the greatest film I have ever seen come out of the Philippines. Everyone must see this film at least once in his or her life. Keep your head down and don’t let Weng Weng pass you by.
Bye Bye Weng Weng!
-Ralph
