Top Five Movies Loved By Douchebags

Ah, douchebags. They’re everywhere—the dude at work who always gives you finger pistols when he says hello. The guy at the gym who grunts a little too loudly with every benchpress. Mark Wahlberg.

Believe it or not, douchebags actually enjoy movies. So, if you’ve ever wondered about their cinematic taste (and who hasn’t?), then keep reading. That’s right ladies and germs, slip on your striped shirt, pop that collar, and down another Jager Bomb. It’s go time, chief, and don’t you mess with me when I’m in the zone…

300
Nothing gets douchebags more excited than a bunch of sweaty, muscular, scantily clad men fighting gracefully in perfect slow motion. I mean…uh…errr…football….

300 is that pretty good Zack Snyder flick that every d-bag and his mother became obsessed with back in March of 07. We’ve all heard the catch phrases eight trillion times (which ass clowns typically yell at inappropriate times), but why is it that d-bags love this flick so much? Well, the answer to that question is pretty simple—this movie is high energy all the time. Much like that over-tanned Chach always yelling at the Bartender for another red bull and vodka, this film never relents and has absolutely no plot arc. Basically, it’s always showing its O-face.

While I think 300 is an entertaining flick, there’s something about all those weird CGI freaks and stylistic fight sequences that just sort of wear me down after a while. Maybe I’m just not hardcore enough. Oh, and could someone please explain to me the purpose of that weird, hookah-induced Greek orgy staring Quasimodo and some creature with knives for hands? I mean, besides being Tim Burton’s wet dream, does that really add anything? I digress…

So, if you need to keep a group of d-bags happy, pop this puppy into your DVD player and get ready to cheer as Gerard Butler slices off the head of one mutant Persian soldier after another. Heterosexual ass-pats all around…


Old School
Yeah, I can already tell you’re pissed. But, before you try to pick a fight with me in the alley outside the bar, let me first say this: I like Old School. I actually like it a lot. Does that make me a douche? No. In fact, just liking one of the movies on this list does not make you a douchebag. However, if you happen to LOVE every movie on this list…well…I’m sure you have other talents—like the ability to rufie a drink without anyone knowing or making fun of Mexicans.

But, back to Old School. Why is it loved by d-bags? Well, it happens to be the most annoyingly over-quoted movie of all time by tools and frat boys. I almost chose Anchorman (whale’s vagina!), but Old School just wins hands down. Yeah, buddy, I get it…you’re going streaking…*sigh* Aren’t you missing an episode of Entourage or something? *makes exaggerated wanking motion with right hand*

Fast and the Furious
Paul Walker is the quintessential d-bag. He’s like the leader of an entire hoblet full of Frodo Douchebagginses, and The Fast and the Furious is the movie that launched him into the asshat stratosphere. It’s got fast cars and fast women! An undercover cop who forms a bond with a tough guy from the wrong side of the tracks (Vin “The Pacifer” Diesel)! Damn…this movie is just so intense. It makes me want to break shit. Sometimes when I watch this movie with my boys I just can’t contain myself, champ. Hey, what are you looking at? You want a piece of this? *pelvic thrust*

They did make two pretty douchey sequels to this movie. First, there’s the creatively titled 2 Fast, 2 Furious; then came the pathetic The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. As if you couldn’t tell, that one’s set in Japan—which, when you think about it, is kind of a stupid marketing idea. I mean, let’s face it, douchebags only generally tolerate Asians (or Black people)….

Running Scared
Running Scared is a movie that came out in 2006 starring—you guessed it—Paul Walker. But, whereas the Fast and the Furious is like a 10 on the douchebaggery scale, this movie cranks it up to 11. Basically, Running Scared takes all the stuff you really like from Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez movies and mashes them all together so it’s a disgusting, unwatchable mess. Essentially, this movie is the cinematic equivalent of a KFC Famous Bowl.

The plot is as generic as crime movies come. Walker plays some low level mafioso who must destroy some fancy-schmancy gun after a drug deal goes bad. Of course, chaos ensues. There are some slick transitions thrown in there for no reason, the unnecessary use of the F-bomb 18 billions times, and of course, pedophiles. Basically, Running Scared is douche nirvana. When writing the script, I’m guessing that about halfway through the screenwriter just sort of gave up and scribbled ridiculous notes like “act like you would in a Scorsese movie” or “pretend this is Reservoir Dogs.”

Finally, to make matters worse, it has that creepy kid from X3 in it. He’s looking at me…he’s looking at me…with his eyes….

The Boondock Saints
If you ask any douchington what his favorite movie is, the answer invariably comes back again and again as The Boondock Saints. Douches love this movie. It’s got it all—random slow motion action sequences, a pseudo-intellectual (but still dumb) story, weird haircuts, homosexual undertones. This is the Troy Duffy (big douche) “masterpiece” that has Willem Dafoe prancing around like he’s on a volatile mixture of crack and cotton candy.

Some douche once told me that The Boondock Saints is just like Pulp Fiction, to which I replied, “Yeah…if Pulp Fiction sucked.” I guess the reason this movie ticks me off, is that people think that it’s smart. Well, it’s not smart. It’s actually pretty dumb. Like Paris Hilton dumb. Like “The Hills” dumb. Like upside-down visor dumb. That’s right, this movie truly is the king of all the douches. Word on the street is that they’ve just started filming a sequel. To this I can only utter the following phrase: God must hate me.

Whew…there she is, bros — the top five movies loved by douchebags. Damn…I can almost smell the Axe body spray fumes emanating from this article. So, until next time, happy listing. I mean, uh, don’t you know who my father is?

Ivan Kander is the handsome and debonair cohost of his very own video podcast. Check it out at www.lucky9studios.com/worstmovieever. He once set someone’s house on fire just by looking at it really hard.