Venturing into the outside world can be overwhelming for a geek. However, with the proper guidance, any geek can learn the language and customs of Ordinary People in order to function, flourish and possibly even get some. So get up off the couch. Go beyond the front door! My name is Faye. I’m a fellow geek and I’m here to help you.

In the days of old, humans would live, work and play almost exclusively outdoors. They toiled happily in the mud and died at the age of 35. As time went on and things became less smallpoxy, humans began to move indoors, where most modern living, working and playing now occurs. Every once in a while, however, some Ordinary People begin to hear the distant echo of nature’s siren song. Not about to give up their comfortable indoor lives, they heed this call on a temporary basis by going camping.

Camping is an activity in which Ordinary People pack their cars full of specialized equipment and drive out into the relative wilderness to light fires, commune with nature and drink many beers. For a housebound geek, such a concept can seem frighteningly fresh-scented and lacking in power outlets. In reality, it can actually be a rewarding social experience full of spiritual revelations and chipmunks. Also, you get to light marshmallows on fire.

Nature is inevitable, my fellow geeks, so roll up that GoBots sleeping bag and let’s go camping!

Supplies

When the concept of sleeping in the Great Outdoors first crystallizes in your mind, you might not think there’s much to it. However, a quick trip to the camping department of any sporting goods store will illustrate just how complicated the art of camping can be. Aside from the obvious sleeping bags and tents, there are camping-specific versions of almost all products used in everyday life, from heavy duty waterproof food baggies to biodegradable toilet paper and toothpaste. The supplies you will need for your camping trip will depend on several factors:

• Geographic Area. Different landscapes require different supplies. If you are camping in a sandy area, you will want to equip yourself with sand-keepy-outy materials such as airtight bags and things made out of plastic. In addition, different areas of the country have higher insect and man-eating bear populations requiring increased levels of industrial strength insecticides and bear armor.

• Weather. Tarps are always a good idea regardless of whether they are intended to create a shady area on sunny days or a dry area on rainy days. Likewise, the weather will affect the level of necessary waterproofing and/or sun screening. Never bring sandals as your only shoe option.
• Available Facilities. Some campgrounds will have modern toilets and even pay showers available. Other campgrounds are minimal, equipped with only the most rudimentary of toilet facilities. These types of places might call for some of that environmentally friendly toothpaste and toilet paper, since you are more likely to be spitting on the ground and pooping in a hole. Research your campground.

Setting up Camp

Ordinary Person camping traditionally takes place in designated camping zones (AKA “campgrounds”), consisting of a series of lots cordoned off either visibly by nature or invisibly by leprechaun magic. These lots usually contain several things:

• a parking space
• a flat spot for your tent(s), or sometimes a low, sandbox-y structure filled with feather soft gravel
• a picnic table
• at least one designated location for burning stuff

Once you arrive at the campground, you will need to give your body a few minutes to acclimate to the (presumably) fresh air. Don’t try to move too fast or the high oxygen levels and crispness of the morning dew will cause dizziness and nausea.

Because campgrounds get very dark, there is a push on arrival to get the vehicle unpacked and everything set up to avoid stumbling around for tent poles in the cold, bear-filled night. Food is distributed to the proper sealed containers depending on whether it needs refrigeration. Bug repellent sprays are placed within easy reach. And, most importantly and potentially difficultly, the tent is pitched.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: I can build a military-grade global positioning device out of discarded TI-81 and Commodore 64 parts, but I can’t put together a prefab nylon sleeping dome? Like eating a salad on a date, putting together a tent can be a truly awkward and embarrassing event if you’re not experienced. Don’t be afraid to ask your fellow campers for help or guidance. Ordinary People who camp a lot are always more than willing to illustrate their vast knowledge and skill related to campy doings.

Analog Activities

After the first thrill of arriving and exploring the general area, you might start to go through a bit of Technology Withdrawal. To offset this, try to cram as much video game playing, internet browsing and laptop charging into the days leading up to your trip so you are as close to sick of it as possible by the time you leave. This won’t solve the problem completely, but will serve as a Band-Aid until you are back in the regular world. Hopefully, once you are actually settled in your campsite you will begin to realize that, though campgrounds are largely devoid of electricity-based activities, there are actually tons of other things to do while camping.

Card and board games are a good way to pass the time at the campsite, especially those which can be played in shorter rounds and with fewer small parts. In other words, a quick, stoppable game like Apples to Apples is preferable to a 5-hour marathon round of Risk. Reading is another acceptable, albeit socially isolating, activity. If you are camping near a river or lake, floating around, skipping rocks or poking at the water with a stick are all good pastimes. Day hikes are also usually a safe bet; since there’s only so far you can go without hitting another campsite, you won’t have to worry too much about sore feet or pit stank. Be careful, though, since bears are all around waiting to eat you. When it starts to get dark it’s best to head back to base camp to start drinking around the fire.

Camping can seem like a daunting and alien activity to undertake. The fresh air, lack of television and flesh-hungry bear populations create a situation contrary to anything you might consider normal or pleasurable. Take a deep breath and let all those things go. Your pop-culture cluttered mind will begin to quiet as you begin to commune with nature, rising and retiring for the day with the sun, just like Abraham Lincoln. And soon the beauty and majesty of nature will fill your heart with the true spirit of camping: not having to go to work.