Venturing into the outside world can be overwhelming for a geek. However, with the proper guidance, any geek can learn the language and customs of Ordinary People in order to function, flourish and possibly even get some. So get up off the couch. Go beyond the front door! My name is Faye. I’m a fellow geek and I’m here to help you.

Previously on Geeks in Public: I gave pointers on how to navigate a grocery store. Hopefully you have been snacking happily at home ever since and your houseplants remain un-chomped upon. But now it’s time to move on to bigger and better methods of gaining regular sustenance. This will involve leaving the house, fellow geeks, and venturing into the most popular food venue among Ordinary People: The Restaurant.

You may be familiar with the concept of a restaurant already, however there are many viable eateries that don’t offer extra dippin’ sauce. “Real” restaurants are wonderful places where you can pay three times as much for something you could try to make yourself but probably never will. Flavorful, non-microwaved foods are brought to you on clean dishes by professional and often courteous wait staff. There are dessert trays! Restaurants are truly a bonanza of laziness, luxury and rampant sauce calories.

So if you realize another stroke inducing session of Galaga Legions is not going to fly on an empty stomach and you are completely out of dry Fruit Loops, it might be time to make a reservation… for excitement! Yes, I just said that!

Wardrobe

There are many types of restaurants of varying degrees of fanciness, necessitating varying degrees of fancypants. Most restaurants thend to be fairly casual and will let you in as long as you are wearing clothes. However, even “fine” “dining” establishments like The Olive Garden will sit you next to the bathroom if you look like a scrub, because apparently even the most welcoming of restaurant families are embarrassed by their weird relatives. You might want to wear one of your nicer t-shirts just to avoid an evening with that urinal cake smell.

There are also many fancier restaurants available for your sitting and eating pleasure. These are usually employed by Ordinary People only on payday, or when they want to pretend they are more important than they are. These distinguished restaurants offer smaller portions, dimmer lighting and will have unusual names like Ferocia and Plant. Eating at this type of eatery also takes an average of 4 hours, so if you’re in a rush, you might want to take a rain check. Since it’s not always easy to tell which restaurants are going to be fancy, you might want to peruse the restaurant’s homepage first.

The Nate Burleson Center for Kicking Ass and Taking Names

Behavior

Like wardrobe, behavior is dictated in part by the type of restaurant you are visiting. Some restaurants are trying to attract a more subdued, traditional crowd, while others thrive on the hilarious antics of shrieking hipsters. However, there are several basic rules to follow in any situation.

Rule #1 – Chew with your mouth closed. Grandma was right about this one, geeks, and in public it becomes even more important to not share your dental machinations with others.

Rule #2 – Do not comment negatively on the meals of your fellow diners, especially if said comment creates a comparison between food and baby excrement. Just blog about it later.

Rule #3 – Keep your gaseous emanations between you and the water closet. If you must rlease a teeny burp, do so in your napkin and be sure to formally excuse yourself.

From there, how you act is based mostly on the group you are in and the general volume level of the restaurant. In a quiet bistro-y setting, for example, you might want to avoid engaging in any raucous movie quote shouting matches or Dr. Horrible-related sing-a-longs.

Ethnic Food

One area of edibles many geeks are fairly new to is what is commonly referred to as “ethnic” food. This generally describes any style of dish originating in a foreign country, be it a curry, a burrito or a large sausage. So basically anything other than a ham sandwich… and sometimes even that can be considered ethnic depending on the ham.

Many of these ethnic foods closely resemble foods you may be familiar with (e.g. the aforementioned “burrito” is widely available at Ye Olde Taco Bell), but others are stranger in their design and presentation. In Ethiopian dishes, for example, bread is used as plates and plates are used as silverware. There are also various cultures which are much more comfortable with the random appearance of tentacles in their food.

Do some quick research on the geographical area of origin ahead of time and feel free to ask your waiter what ingredients make up a mystery dish, lest you discover later that your dinner entails entrails. Vegetarians should also be warned that what other cultures consider to be “vegetarian” might include various fish parts and byproducts. If you’re especially concerned, make your special requests before you wind up with a bowl full of oyster sauce and shrimp heads.