Venturing into the outside world can be overwhelming for a geek. However, with the proper guidance, any geek can learn the language and customs of Ordinary People in order to function, flourish and possibly even get some. So get up off the couch. Go beyond the front door! My name is Faye. I’m a fellow geek and I’m here to help you.

“Sick day” is the term most commonly applied to taking a day off from work for no good reason. These days can be filled with fun, magic and whimsy, or they can be used to catch up on sleep lost playing too much Civilization Revolution. However, there is another, darker kind of sick day, a day so nefarious in its manifestation that even puppies weep at the mere thought of it: a day off taken due to actual sickness. These days are filled with misery and discontent; mountains of wadded tissues, various fluids consumed and expelled, failed attempts at octopus crochet. They are rightly considered by all to be a complete waste of perfectly good paid time off.

I recently took such a sick day, my fellow geeks, after coming down with what I can only describe as Acute Consumptive Meningitis. My Summer Olympics fever-addled brain subsequently melted into a quivering puddle as the horrific coughing continued to rattle my poor, Dickensian frame. I let my mind wander through various benign Ordinary People activities, none of which I would normally consider doing. But in my weakened state I began to wonder… would engaging in such an activity be preferable to coughing up one or both of my own lungs?

Below are my findings on three completely random activities not worthy of their own columns.

^Antiquing

Antiquing is a curious practice wherein an Ordinary Person or People will drive around all day stopping at various stores and quaint converted barns that sell old stuff. Be it furniture, dishes or 19th Century butter churners, certain Ordinary People just can’t get enough of that old, old stuff. However, for the common household antique nut, there is a vast difference between pretty old and old, old. We’re talking early-Luddite technology, as opposed to lava lamps. Because whereas “retro” or “vintage” items are trendy among young wannabes and smell like Value Village, “antique” items cost a billion dollars and smell like your Grandma’s house, which is much more respectable.

And yet from my experience, it is a rarity to hear tale of an Ordinary Person actually buying an item at any of these purveyors of the old. They will look, touch, appreciate and then leave the store without that rusted fireplace poker that may or may not have belonged to a descendant of some semi-important local dude. Perhaps it is because the thrill is in the hunt, not the purchase. Perhaps they realize that old stuff sucks more than new stuff. Whatever the reason, the point of leaving the house with little to no reward continues to elude me.

Advantage: Coughing up a lung

^Scrapbooking

Scrapbooking is the process of creating a hodgepodge of paper, ribbon, little metal dealies, photos and various memorabilia in a book to preserve precious memories. Once as simple as haphazardly gluing the ribbon you won in the 3-legged race into a book with a glue stick, scrapbooking has evolved into a meticulous and mind-boggling time-waster. I mean, art. Not to mention a bazillion dollar industry. Craft stores, art supply stores and even some advanced grocery stores have sections devoted entirely to the selling of decorative papers, specialty glues and those ever-important little metal dealies.

Certain factions of the Ordinary Person community eat this stuff up like a delicious, piping hot cheese pizza. It allows them to preserve their most cherished memories and express their artistic side in a completely inoffensive way. But, while all those overpriced sheets of pretty, pretty paper and shiny, shiny metal dealies are adorable and alluring, there is something inherently bizarre about being that into it all. And how far can it go? It’s a short, obsessive jump from “Baby’s First Step” and “Trip to the Beach!” to “Watching Her Through Binoculars” and “The Dog’s Tuesday Poop.”

However, in its purest form, pasting that pristine white ribbon from field day into an oversized album is still oh so satisfying.

Advantage: Scrapbooking (pure form)

^{Eating a Bucket of KFC}

Ah, Colonel Sanders, you loveable old Southern poultry baron with your delicious secret recipe. Everyone at some point in their life has succumbed family-style to the finger lickin’ goodness of Kentucky Fried Chicken. Those famous red and white tubs of fried meat have sat on countless potluck tables, an incredibly lazy yet infinitely welcome alternative to tuna casserole. Those warm, flaky biscuits haunt the dreams of many a man and woman in the darkest hours of the night. And yet… have you seen that place lately? There are like 75 things on the menu now, all of them clearly the product of the Colonel’s rapidly advancing dementia.

Modern commercials would have people believe that KFC is a welcome alternative to the drudgery of a home cooked meal. Their sauceless hot wings have the power to make women date you. Everything is better when eaten from a trough-like bowl. Lies, people! Women are actually 10 times LESS likely to date a chicken-covered greasy guy than one eating a carrot. The secret recipe is just salt and lard chips! You see, Colonel? I’m not afraid of you anymore, you rich bastard!

Anywho… Despite the almost hypnotic pull those damnable mashed potatoes have over my food-craving-gland, the fact remains that they can’t in good conscience even include the word “chicken” in the name of their company anymore. Therefore, nuts to you, KFC. Nuts to your whole lousy operation.

Advantage: Coughing up a lung

Couging up a Lung: Suprisingly Preferrable to at Least Two Things

Faye out