This Geek In Netflix: Thankskilling

In 2009, Broad Daylight Pictures released Thankskilling.

In 2011, Jonathon London and Brian Gilmore decided to torture me by asking me to watch it.  I may get around to forgiving them somewhere in the range of five to ten years.

What is there to say about this movie?  How does one even go about explaining it?  So, there’s this turkey (character name: Turkie) and, well… there was some Indian curse and now every five hundred and five years the turkey (Turkie) rises from its grave and takes revenge on white kids for disrespecting the land and its turkeys?

That wasn’t actually that difficult.  

But it gets more complicated than that!  There are these five college kids heading home for Thanksgiving break and they accidentally become the intended targets for the turkey’s (Turkie’s) revenge!  Dear god!  Oh, the horror, the humanity, the bad writing!

Oddly adorable.

What the horror actually is in this movie is the acting.  Which is expected for what it is marketed as (please refer to the DVD cover a few  paragraphs above, thank you very much).

We’ve got the dumb-looking fat kid, the all-American jock, the brainless hottie slut, the sexually awkward geek (I’M LOOKING AT ALL OF YOU RIGHT NOW), and the sweet girl who has never had good sex in her life.  Ever.  Really, like ever.  Not even in the movie.  Also: she doesn’t masturbate (this is an assumption– I’m running with it and you are too or I am going to hunt you down and make you pay).

What are these five drastically different kids doing together?  Well, they all got detention and are stuck together in the school’s library on a Saturday with this essay assigned that… oh, wrong movie.

These kids decide to carpool home for Thanksgiving in the jock’s keep.  There’s a scene at the beginning that doesn’t make a lot of sense, but it gets them all together.  And the fat kid tears his shirt off.

He sounds his barbaric yawp.

Side note: This movie opens on tits.  Now, before you get excited, there’s not a lot of tits in the movie, just the occasional one.  But it’s pretty great because you’re in dramatic subtitles and then suddenly TITS.  So you’re staring at the screen going, “Hey, tits!”  And then the turkey (Turkie) kills the owner of said tits.

It’s very tragic, I know.

Back to the plot!  On the way to their respective homes, the jock’s jeep blows a… gasket?  Springs a leak?  Catches fire?  Comes unleashed?  SOMETHING HAPPENS AND THE CAR CEASES TO WORK.  So they decide to camp out in the woods.

Before this camping expedition, we are introduced to the hermit (character name: Hermit) whose dog, Flashie, is quickly dispatched by the dread turkey (Turkie).  Intent on revenge, the hermit (Hermit) sets off into the woods with his shotgun.

The turkey isn’t the only one with the Magickal Powers of Disguise.

While the kids make camp, the sexually awkward nerd tells the tale of the terrible turkey (Turkie) and the Indian curse, complete with vaguely sepia-looking flash animation.  The kids mostly laugh it off but, after a solo encounter with the turkey (Turkie), the prude gets a little on edge.

When the hapless campers wake up the next morning, the fat kid finds turkey droppings on top of his sleeping bag and the hermit (Hermit) sitting next to him.  They are informed that, sometime in the night, the turkey (Turkie) visited them and the hermit (Hermit) protected them.

The kids disregard this news, of course, and set back out on their journey home.  The turkey (Turkie) follows them.

And by follows them, I mean he hangs out by the side of the road until a turkey-loving furry decides to pick him up for turkey anal-sex and the turkey (Turkie) then blows his furry little brains out with a shotgun blast to the head and steals his car.

Dr. Turkie needs you to bend over and cough.

The movie goes downhill from there.  What, it can go more downhill?  Yes, yes it can and it will.

Highlights!

-the turkey has sex with the bimbo

-the prude’s father dresses up like a turkey

-there’s some awkward conversation with the turkey over coffee

-a not-quite Real Genius research montage

-an alien chest-burster turkey(!!)

-a radioactive turkey

-a turkey in disguise

-the turkey tosses his own salad

-lines like: “Now that’s fowl play!”

Aforementioned radioactive turkey (Turkie)

It’s not good.  Is it fun?  Yes, it’s fun.  It’s a rolicking turkey adventure if there ever was one.  Tits, murder, a glowing turkey, cheesy dialogue, bad acting– it’s everything you need in order to get through an awkward family holiday.  

Thankskilling 2 is slated to come out in 2012.  Will I watch it?  Probably.  Will I enjoy it?  Quite possibly.  Will it inspire me to pick up farm animals on the side of the road for molestation purposes?  Probably not.

As always, this avian-centric masterpiece is available on Netflix on Demand.  Go forth and cause untold psychological damage to your little cousins this holiday season.