Venturing into the outside world can be overwhelming for a geek. However, with the proper guidance, any geek can learn the language and customs of Ordinary People in order to function, flourish and possibly even get some. So get up off the couch. Go beyond the front door! My name is Faye. I’m a fellow geek and I’m here to help you.

Summer is upon us, which means grills are being fired up across the nation. From June through September, a person can’t step outside to pick up the latest issue of Nintendo Power without stumbling into a barbecue. Commonly used by Ordinary People as an excuse to drain a pony keg* or an annual opportunity to buy corn on the cob, barbecues are a very particular type of social situation. While the basic dynamics of the event might resemble those of the common house party, there are several key differences.

Barbecues take place outdoors and begin much earlier in the day. They tend to start off much smaller and quieter, as well. While parties tend to be punctuated by post-pre-funk guests bursting through doors and shouting “Woooo!!!,” barbecue guests tend to stroll onto the scene with a casual “Heeeey!” While pajama jammy jams tend to be the social equivalent of a meat market, barbecues are like an extended ice breaker: it’s harder to hide in a small group, but actually easier to socialize. This makes them an ideal event for the burgeoning social geek.

Fashion

Let’s face it. Geeks and sunlight do not occupy the same airspace on a regular basis. This can result in either severe pastiness or uneven tans of a farming variety. This doesn’t mean you need to pull a Diane Keaton when dressing for a barbecue. Showing a little skin is expected and perfectly acceptable, just know how much and when. Shorts are actually preferable to jeans. However, avoid jean shorts at all costs.

When it comes time to put on a shoe, opt for something in the flip-flop or casual tennis shoe family. If you decide to choose a shoe that necessitates a sock, never wear a sock that is darker than the shoe you choose. This creates something called The Grandpa Effect and will greatly reduce your swerve rating with the opposite sex. Also a barbecue no-no for male geeks is the tank top (see aforementioned pastiness and/or farmer’s tan). A casual short-sleeved button down or t-shirt will work just fine. You can even wear one of your clever geek tees as long as you make sure you choose the easiest one to explain. A well-known pop culture reference would be ideal. Some obscure reference to C++ translated into binary code? Not so much.

Food

Paramount to the barbecue experience is the ritualistic grilling of food over a fire. This tradition harkens back to the dark ages, when men and women would gather around public bonfires and pray to the gods to bless their bacon crops. In modern life, bacon is making a comeback as an important component of the barbecue menu. Anything can be wrapped in it, most notably hotdogs. If you are feeling daring and/or want to wow your hosts, bring a pack of hotdogs and a pack of bacon. If bacon-wrapping is already prevalent in the social circle in question, you will be welcomed as a compatriot. If the thought of ensconcing meat in other meat hadn’t yet crossed their minds, you will be hailed as a god. If you aren’t sure you like hotdogs wrapped in bacon, try it out at home first. Once the Bacon Seal has been broken, refusing a bacon-wrapped item without a good reason is tantamount to barbecue treason.

There will also be many interesting and mysterious side dishes, including potato salad, five bean salad, pasta salad, green salad and baked beans. Most versions of said sides, even giant store-bought lousy cheapskate tubs of them, are delicious. Take a little of each, but don’t take too much. Etiquette dictates you should always leave some for the person after you. Another thing to be particularly aware of is the innate messiness of all foods involved in a barbecue. Use condiments sparingly. If you apply too much goo to a bun, it will come back to haunt your lap as soon as you take a bite. Barbecue foods also like to hide in teeth, so it’s a good idea to bring some dental floss. After you eat, retire to the water closet to clean yourself up. Nobody wants to talk to someone with food all over their damn face.

Conversations

Since there are many fun things to do in the summertime, barbecue conversations tend to be event driven instead theoretical. One of the more common and frenzy-inducing subjects being talked about will be camping. Ordinary People are constantly just getting back from or just getting ready to go on a camping trip. You can relate to them on this subject even if the last time you went camping was 15 years ago with your parents. Simply use general terms. For example, “The one time I went camping 15 years ago I ended up with poison oak down my pants” becomes a joking “Watch out for poison oak balls!” This generalization technique will also work if someone asks you what your own plans are for the summer months. Instead of “I am spending my summer in the basement hand painting sentries for my king’s army,” try “I am spending time exploring the arts.”

Ancient Grillin’ by Michelangelo

Barbecues are a way for Ordinary People to forget their troubles and pretend they are at one with nature, so try to avoid serious or negative subjects. Other than a casual lament about a tough day at the office, try not to talk about work. Technical talk should also be avoided unless it pertains to an extracurricular DIY project. Whatever you do, don’t get started on the dubious contents of a hotdog. Science is a fascinating subject, but not as it pertains to something being put into someone’s mouth.

Exit Strategy

At some point you will need to leave the barbecue, preferably before someone whips out a guitar and the situation devolves into an endless acoustic jam session – but first you must relay your goodbyes. Anyone you are talking to at the time of your exit should be politely notified you are exiting the conversation program. If alcohol has done its job, they won’t be offended. The most important goodbye will be to your host(s). They should also get a thank you, even if you didn’t have a particularly kick ass time. After that, a louder “bye!” accompanied by a short, spastic wave to the general assembly is enough to see you out the door. Once you are safely back in your lair, you can begin the process of detoxing from all the fresh air.

*Pony keg – Pressurized containers holding the equivalent of half a keg** of beer (7.75 gallons).

**Keg – Those big silver beer dispensers frat boys often drink from upside-down.