This Geek In Netflix: Vampire Girl v.s. Frankenstein Girl

I’m staring at my laptop trying to find words to describe this… thing.  “Thing” is a good word for it, really.  Other attempts at description might include such phrases as “oh fuck, my eyes” or “psychically raped.”  But let’s get down to it, as I’m all about including others in my quest for mental violation.

Vampire Girl V.S. Frankenstein Girl is a Japanese gore flick released in 2009, based off of a manga by the same title written by Shungiku Uchida.  

This is now the point where things cease to make sense.  Please step off the ride if you are pregnant, wish to become pregnant, or engage in LARPing.

The movie opens with a western theme– heat waves rising off asphalt as a pair of high school students stagger through a nearly deserted city with tumble-weed music backing them.  They are stopped short in their travels by three identically dressed gothic lolita Frankenstein Girls.

It’s showdown time.

The boy tries to battle, but is swiftly flung out of the scene with an oddly placed refrigerator. The girl steps forward and bites the nose off of one of the Frankenstein Girls and UNRAVELS HER HEAD by using the nose trapped between her teeth like a loose thread of a sweater.  

After punting the now tissueless skull and killing a second Frankenstein Girl, the girl bites her wrists with *gasp* vampire teeth and forms dual swords out of the blood.  She cuts off the arms of the remaining Frankenstein Girl and then proceeds to DRILL INTO THE GIRL’S VAGINA WITH HER SWORD, spewing bits of girlmeat everywhere while the opening credits roll to a Japanese love song. 

Then we flash to the past, the set-up for this grisly scene.

It’s Valentine’s Day at Tokyo High School and the girls are all atwitter (yes, “atwitter.”  It’s what Japanese girls do in manga-inspired movies. They twitter.  Fuck off.).  We center in on Jyugon, an attractive(?) male high school student.  He has emo-like hair and a stalker in the form of one Ms. Keiko, a fellow classmate and daughter of the school’s vice principal.  Their teacher is raiding their personal belongings for Valentine’s Day candy, citing the strict school policy of no items allowed on campus that aren’t school-related.

Some girls just can’t handle that much penetration.

All the girls’ chocolates get taken and Keiko throws a fit, summoning her father to the classroom to handle the problem.  Unfortunately, her father is a nail-biting sissy and quails under the (incredibly over-acted) rage of their teacher.

After class, the recent transfer student, Monami (ah, it’s funny because it’s French!) pops up, having saved her chocolate from the inspection, and offers it to Jyugon, then runs off, doing that weird shufflerun.  You know what I’m talking about.

He eats it.  There’s blood in it.  Shocking.  Simply shocking.  Monami is titular the Vampire Girl and she’s giving the dubiously attractive male lead blood-infused chocolate.  Totally from left field.  Then he starts sparkling in the sunshine and moves to Washington to romance a piece of driftwood disguised as a high school girl.

That might have been a deviation from the actual plot.

Anyhow, I could go step by step through the movie, guiding you like a seeing-eye dog, but that would get tedious for the both of us.  Here are ten things you need to know about this film:

10 Things You Need To Know About This Film

1. Keiko’s father– totally an undercover mad scientist.  Goes by the name “Furano Kenji,” the self-subtitled “Mystical Majistrate of Calculaaaaaaation!!!!”  Dresses Kabuki-style.  Has his sidekick nurse kidnap students for him so he can kill them, cut them up, and then try to reanimate them.  

2. There’s a character named Kiriko.  She’s the president of the school’s Wrist Cutters Club and she has big aspirations.  She wants to compete in the upcoming “13th Nationwide High School Student Wrist Cut Rally” and claims “I’m gonna be the best wrist-cutter in the whole world!”  She leads her club in exercises to strengthen their wrists so they can cut longer and harder while chanting about cutting.  I think the whole thing is amazing.  You do too, I can tell.  We’ll bond over it later.

For yooooooooooou!

3. There’s another character named Afro-rika.  Now, I want to write poetry to this girl.  She’s the president of the Super Dark Girls Club (motto: “As black as they come!”) and is very strict about food consumption.  They can only chew black gum and they have to drink their coffee black.  Now, these aren’t actually African girls, but Ganguro girls.  Google Image it if you haven’t heard of it.  Really.  Right now.  Stop reading this and scar yourself for life.  Anyhow, Afro-rika dreams of being the “fastest supertan girl to run the one hundred meter dash.”

Likely the most amazing thing you will see all day.  Send me thank you notes.

4. The first time we witness mad scientist Kenji cut up a student and reassemble him, it turns into a four minute long music video of him thrashing on a spine-guitar while his nurse sidekick poses provocatively for the camera with a pair of eyeballs.  Kind of a cross between Cannibal: The Musical and “Addicted to Love.” 

The end product advises against Robert Palmer.

5. There’s a scene when Monami rips out the throat of some businessman in the park and dances in the rain of his gushing blood.  That man must’ve been hooked up to some sort of supply because he Rainbirded for two or three minutes.  In fact, every bleeding person in this movie had some sort of condition that caused a major excess of blood.

What big prosthetics you have, grandma.

6. A single drop of roaming vampire blood gives the sidekick nurse a (admittedly weak) orgasm while some male high school students watch.  

7. Monami has a hunchbacked man for her servant.  Only… he’s not actually a hunchback! (BIG REVEAL!!!!!!!!!)  He’s a stooped man who keeps a ribcage on his back that can pop someone’s head like a grape if he gets it in Proper Facehugger Position.  No, not that thing that your wife did the other night.  No.  Ew.

8. A man has a gunhat.  A hat… that is also a gun.  With what seems to be unlimited ammunition.

9. The nurse sidekick also gets turned into a Frankenstein Girl.  One of her “superpowers” is that, instead of nipples, she has fingers sticking out… holding eyeballs.  These launch like missiles.  LIKE MISSILES.

They were part of the nipple relocation program.

10. Once Keiko is transformed into Frankenstein Girl, she gains the ability to use an electric drill to separate her arm from her body and then reattach it to the top of her skull so she can spin it and fly around the city like a helicopter.  I’m going to repeat that:  she attaches her arm to her skull with an electric drill and spins it so she can fly through the city like a helicopter.

And, as a surprise(!), here’s an extra shocking tidbit:

11.  When the line is spoken: “Thus began the epic battle for love between Vampire Girl and Frankenstein Girl,” they’re battling over this guy:

Oh, hai doggie.

In sum, this movie hurts me and it’s not a good hurt.  I’d recommend this movie for PVO (Party Viewing Only).  This is not a date-night movie, this isn’t a “sit around with one of your friends and make fun of it movie,” this is a “you need as many people possible around to survive it” movie.  You don’t want to give it your full attention.  It will suck out your eyes in an attempt to get at the meaty parts of your brain.

However, I do suggest bombing all your friends with copies for Christmas.  It’s going for about $10 on Amazon.

If you don’t want to pony up the cash, it’s available on Netflix on Demand.  Go forth, my children, watch it as I have watched it, suffer as I have suffered, and pray as I will pray that next week’s movie won’t be as bad as this one.