Geekscape Predicts Hollywood Casting For The Ubisoft Movies

Earlier this month Ubisoft announced they were setting up a motion pictures department in order to bring some of their most popular games to the big and small screen. While we all waited on pins and needles for the announcement that promised to bring Just Dance to theaters, instead we received word that Assassin’s Creed, Splinter Cell and Ghost recon would be the first to make the jump. Now the question is how will they turn out?

The reason why Ubisoft created their own division to handle these game to film conversions is simple; movies based on video games suck big time. Sure, some of the movies are so bad they are good; Super Mario Bros. for example, but some are so bad we try to block them out of our memory completely like Double Dragon. I thought the first Mortal Kombat was OK but the second is on my list of the worst movies I have ever seen, right next to Dr. T & the Women (don’t ask).

Why do video game movies have to be so bad? You can’t blame the story, well most of the time. Take Resident Evil for example. What the hell is so wrong with the idea an evil company creating zombies and biological weapons in a secret lab under a mansion then calling in police Special Forces to test them out? Sounds like a good movie to me, but what we got was a mere shadow of that. What we got was this bastardized horror movie that casually made reference to the original work and characters. Just like Prince of Persia or Doom or every other video game movie out there.

The problem is Hollywood feels the need to make video game movies as vanilla as possible in order to draw the biggest crowd. I understand making movies is a business but I guess the thought of betting on a better, solid story is too radical and too risky when compared to getting a hot actor to fill the main roles.

Which brings me to the point of this article (finally right?) While I hope Ubisoft takes their time and stays true to the story, the characters and the feel of the games, our first indicator of how well they are doing will be with the casting. While Hollywood has pleasantly surprised us before (I remember thinking WTF when I heard they had cast this Broadway dude named Hugh Jackman as Wolverine) most of the time they look for the hottest piece of ass to carry the movie through the box office.

So with that said I present to you the first signs that Ubisoft has sold out and cashed in instead of sticking to their guns and making the first truly awesome video game movies (if you don’t count Scott Pilgrim). My fellow geeks, Assassin’s Creed and Ghost Recon… as cast by mainstream Hollywood.

Assassin’s Creed

While Assassin’s Creed II is the superior game, they will start from the beginning in order to make the most money out the series. So instead of beautiful canals of Venice, we’ll start in the hot and dusty lands of the Middle East. Plus, they are going to need to save some money somewhere for all the big name actors they want and building the Holy Lands during the Third Crusade has got to be cheaper than building Florence during the Renaissance.

Altaїr

Played by: Josh Duhamel or Bradley Cooper

I know what you’re thinking, how dare you cast one of these guys as Altaïr. Hey if Jake Gyllenhaal can be in Prince of Persia, why not? OK, bad example. But think about it, how else are you going to get the girlfriend or wife to go see it with you?

You: “Honey, want to go see Assassin’s Creed with me?”

Her: “What’s it about?”

You: “It’s about this master assassin who gets cocky so they bust him down to the lowest rank and he has to work his way back up all the while uncovering this plot to use a mystical sphere called a Piece of Eden to take over the world. There is also this sub plot …”

She stares at you with this “Really?” look on her face.

You: “It has Josh Duhamel in it.”

Her: “Get your coat.”

Robert de Sable

Played by: Hugo Weaving

Mr. Bad Guy has to be in there somewhere. Even though de Sable turns out not to be the ultimate evil in the game, he is your primary target for the majority of the time. Weaving is an awesome character actor and could pull off the imposing demeanor as well as the physical acting needed for the fight scenes. Let’s face it, when Hollywood needs a kick-ass villain, Weaving is the man to call.

Al Mualim

Played by: Alan Rickman

Your master and the head honcho of the assassins, we will need someone older, someone wiser, someone who can do dark and mysterious. Enter Alan Rickman. Severus Snape is the man with the plan when it comes to being aloof and harsh to his students while hiding a darker ambition. He is already pretty much playing the part in the Harry Potter series, why not let him collect another pay check?

King Richard

Played by: Patrick Stewart

Come on, there are only two people who can play King Richard, Sean Connery or Patrick Stewart and seeing as Sir Connery is retired the crown must go to Stewart. This is about as no brainer as you can get. Anyone else would be dismissed instantly, drug through the streets and set on fire.

Desmond

Played by: Shia LaBeouf

Shia LaBeouf is Hollywood’s current golden child, he has to be in here somewhere because he is in everything right now. Desmond is a run of the mill guy who gets caught up in an extraordinary plot; hello, that’s LaBeouf’s character in Eagle Eye. And Transformers. And Disturbia. Look Hollywood is going to cast him in this movie somewhere, better to put him as Desmond than Altaïr right?

Lucy

Played by: Katherine Heigl

In the game Lucy was smart, hot (as far as games pixilated characters go) and got on your nerves after five minutes (No, I don’t want to lay down on the table). Heigl played a doctor on TV, she is easy on the eyes and you want to rip your ears off after about five minutes of dialog from her in Knocked Up. It fits! Plus she generates her own buzz around the movie when she talks badly about the cast and crew behind their backs. Try to keep this movie off of E!

Dr. Vidic

Played by: Malcolm McDowell

This is the other no brainer casting in the movie. Just try to tell me you pictured anyone but Malcolm McDowell playing Dr. Vidic. Sure it’s not a huge part but McDowell turns everything he does into a memorable role. His calculating voice punctuating every line of dialog as Desmond has no choice but to comply with his demands. Shivers!

Ghost Recon

Ghost Recon doesn’t have any real characters per say, more character classes than anything else. This could allow the production staff a lot of leeway with creating characters to fill these roles. But it’s Hollywood and we will get the same stereotypical team members we always get.

Rifleman

Played by: Matt Damon

The leader of the group and all around bad-ass. Why would Damon do this role? I’m sure he will get home sick after he sees what they end up doing with his beloved Bourne series and have an itch to scratch. Plus, considering he may have a mask on most of the time he can let a stunt guy do the lion’s share of the work and finish things up in a sound booth.

Support

Played by: Tyrese Gibson

If you are going to have a special ops team in Hollywood you have to have at least one black guy. Why not Tyrese? Transformers is wrapping up and he is going to need a new source of income right? To be fair Tyrese can hold his own in an action movie and this all Ghost Recon is going to be. We’ll give him a scene where he holds a picture of his girlfriend, no better yet, his daughter, and tears up as the shit goes and he gains the strength to push on. Money.

Demolitions

Played by: Vin Diesel or The Rock

Traditionally demolitions expert is played by a scrawny guy a little off his rocker or the hulking beast of the group. I say let’s go with the latter. Vin Diesel would give the role a quieter, more disturbed feeling while The Rock would bring more energy to it. Either way it doesn’t matter, you can pretty much substitute either one in the role, they are going to be the low man on the totem pole with the least amount of screen time anyway.

Sniper

Played by: Ryan Reynolds

Once again you can go two ways with the sniper role; quiet and subdued or smart-ass hot sot with all the best one liners. Reynolds already has experience with this role playing Deadpool in Wolverine so it wouldn’t be a stretch. The only issue would be scheduling; his dance card is either about to fill up quickly after Green Lantern hits or he’ll be wide open to do anything.

Originally I was asked to cast these movies from the ultimate geek perspective but to be honest I suck at casting so like Hollywood, I went with the safe bets. So what do you think? Did I nail it or completely fail as a casting agent? Post your thoughts on who should, shouldn’t or most likely will fill these roles.

Optimusgene is the chief editor of OneManAsylum.com and host of the Group Therapy weekly podcast.