The Top-10 Warriors of the Ancient World in Pop Culture
What with “Thor” being released this weekend, I have been pondering reading some of the ancient Norse sagas. I have yet to hunker down to Njal’s Saga, and I feel it is an oversight in my self-imposed education. In terms of my ancient adventure epics, I’ll have to stick with Sir Gawain, King Arthur, Genji, Beowulf and Gilgamesh for the time being. By the way, if you haven’t read Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, there’s a dandy translation from the Old English by none other than J.R.R. Tolkein. It’s a really grand story, featuring decapitations, and magic.
“Thor” has also had me pondering about some of the better Ancient Mayhem films I’ve seen. There is a long proud tradition in filmmaking, stretching back to the silent days, with Biblical epics like “Ben Hur,” exploring the wonders, the melodrama, and the bloody mayhem of ancient times. And, as we get to look at history through our skewed, rose-colored nostalgia goggles, we can feel free to pepper our ancient stories with handfuls of badass warriors who may or may not have actually existed, and cheer them on with ceaseless glee. Thanks to comics, movies, and TV, our ancient heroes are palpable for wide modern audiences.
In that spirit, here is a list of ten god-like warriors of the ancient world, as filtered through our modern-day popular culture outlets.
10) Musashi Miyamoto
Hiroshi Inagaki’s feudal-set Samurai trilogy (1954-1956) tells the (allegedly) true story of a lost teenage orphan, determined to fight in the war, running away from his orphanage, being rejected, had having to fight his way back home through dangerous territory. He is whipped and beaten and even captured and tied up, suspended from a tree, during his adventures, but manages to escape every time, merrily working his way across the countryside, beating off entire armies with nothing but a stick; he didn’t even have a proper sword. Eventually he learns humility and swordsman skills, and becomes a proper samurai, channeling his wild energy into a calm, determined resolve.
In “Musashi Miyamoto” especially (which is my favorite of the series), our hero (originally called Takezo) is depicted as a wild, hard-swinging badass who can take down armies with nothing more than screaming and what amounts to a baseball bat. And, since Toshiro Mifune (a much finer and subtler actor than he typically gets credit for) is playing him, through his performance, we’re treated to a good strong taste of his fiery madness. Here is a man you don’t want to get in the way of, but will eventually want as your tutor. If you like Samurai films, and you’ve already seen 鉄even Samuraiin film class, here’s a good place to catch up.
9) Leonidas
Ripped like a pro wrestler, and about as articulate, Leonidas, as depicted in Zack Snyder’s bafflingly successful film “300,” is a fist-pumping lager lout with a beard and an allergy to shirts. If you want historical accuracy, and a gentle, classicist approach, go far elsewhere; Snyder’s film seems to pride itself on action tropes far above any sort of grand poetry or even regular human sanity. The Battle of Thermopylae (about 430 BC), a famous tale of how 300 Spartan warriors managed to briefly hold off the thousands of invading Persians, is transformed into an ultra-violent, CGI-laden action thriller for the under-14 set, all based on a famous comic book by nerd luminary Frank Miller.
But if its a badass you want, Leonidas is about as badass as they come. His chest could crush a truck, and his chewy overacting by Gerard Butler is as gorgeously hammy as they come. He charges into battle in a loincloth and a helmet and a reckless, psychopathic sense of invincibility, eager to tear Persians apart with his bare hands. He may be foolish and kind of a lunkhead, and he may inhabit a dumb kinda movie, but dang if that’s not cool.
8) Yor, The Hunter from the Future
Yor gets in on a technicality, as, strictly speaking, he was not an ancient warrior, but a warrior of the distant future. But, seeing as he was living in a Stone-Age-like village, wearing loincloths and using only the most rudimentary tools, I think he counts. Consider this: Yor was technically a caveman, equipped with nothing more than the most primitive intelligence, and yet he managed to fight dinosaurs, battle ape-men, infiltrate a spaceship, face off against alien overlords, and explode the alien whatchamacallit. I think that earns him plenty of Brownie points.
“Yor, The Hunter from the Future” came out in 1983, long after the ’60s Italian renaissance of sword-and-sandal films, but it sets a wondrous precedent of cheesy-bad-wonderful Dark-Ages-Mixed-With-Sci-Fi genre mix-ups that marked the entire decade. Yor himself is a towheaded, ripped, bad-acting badass who served as the clarion call for a generation. Was his influence positive? You try explaining to the average Gen-Xer that it wasn’t.
7) Captain Caveman
He is a little man, about 4’3”, covered in fur, wielding a club, facing off against criminals. Oh yes, and he can pull random objects out of his copious body hair. Oh yes, and he wears a cape and can fly. Oh yes, and he has a cadre of hot teenage beauties to assist him. He speaks in broken English, and always has a deliriously happy smile affixed to his face. He is more than just a caveman displaced in time. He is more than a superhero. He is more than a pimp. He is living the dream.
Captain Caveman is a superhero our of the Hanna Barbera stable whose show, “Captain Caveman and the Teen Angels” (1977) only lasted for about three years, but managed to leave an impression on every kid who managed to see him in action. Ask any kid my age, and they’ll be ready to scream the good Captain’s name in a gloriously rallying battle cry. Hanna Barbera was know in the 1970s as a giant of television, who produced almost nothing but hugely obnoxious characters. Captain Caveman stands heads and shoulder-less shoulders above the rest.
6) Turok
Turok began his life as a 15th century Native American, lost in a Lost Valley somewhere in North America. He and his sidekick, Andar, would fight the dinosaurs who lived in the valley (!), constantly searching for their way home. In its original comic book run, Turok would eventually find his way out of the valley, only to run into the first Spaniards to arrive on the continent. We all know how things worked out from there… “Turok: Son of Stone” was a standout in a long comic book tradition of mythic westerns and bold Indians.
Most kids our age, however, know Turk from a reboot orchestrated by Valiant comics in the mid 1990s. In this new iteration, Turok was more than a resolute noble savage, but a legitimate, hard-nosed badass whose dinosaur foes were equipped with cranial machines that made them super intelligent. Turok also had an arch-nemesis now named Mothergod, who was a wicked space alien of some kind. There was also some talk of multi-dimensional rifts and the like. The premise may have been dumb, but the new Turok took off, spawning RPGs, video games, and several new comic book titles. If a strong Indian is what you’re looking for, Turok is not your father’s Tonto.
5) Spartacus
In Stanley Kubrick’s infamous 1960 feature film, Spartacus (Kirk Douglas) was a well-coiffed and steely-eyed oppressed slave whose life led him into the arms of an opportunistic gladiators’ school, run by the mincing and frightening Crassus (Laurence Olivier). Spartacus was a good enough gladiator that he was able to survive, and even catch the eye of the bitter slave woman Varinia (Jean Simmons). But, as is well known, Spartacus eventually broke free of his shackles and escaped, along with his fellow gladiators. Not content to stop there, he swept across Rome, gathering ex-slaves and sympathizers to the slave cause, freeing all the slaves in Rome. He was eventually captured and crucified, but not before becoming a legend. I defy anyone to watch the famous “I’m Spartacus!” scene and not tear up a little bit.
Spartacus (c. 109 – 71 BC) is, however, such an alluring histoical character that he has been recently revived again in a cable TV series called “Spartacus: Blood and Sand” (later, “Spartacus: Gods of the Arena”). In an attempt to perhaps imitate “300,” the new Spartacus is a shouting, ripped hard-fighting badass, who glorious in showers of blood, and raunchy sex with lithe, partially-dressed Roman beauties. One version is stately and classical, the other is sensual and tough. Both versions reflect a warrior for the ages.
4) He-Man
He-Man has a dubious origin. Evidently, Mattel Toys had numerous dolls left over from a largely failed toy tie-in with “Conan the Barbarian.” They had the swords and a mold for a muscular torso just laying around their warehouses. Someone had the brilliant idea of re-purposing the toys as a new character, and thusly He-Man was born. Shortly thereafter, thanks to president Reagan’s lift of the ban on advertising toward children, Mattel launched “He-Man and the Masters of the Universe,” a cartoon show to tie in with their hastily constructed toys.
This advertising gimmick worked better than they could have hoped, as even now, decades after the fact, kids remember the toys, and fondly recall the clunky and weird TV show intended only to sell them.
He-Man is kind of a bland hero. He lives in a kingdom called Eternia, sometime in the dark ages. By day he is the prince of Eternia, a mild-mannered hunk named Adam. When he hold his magic sword aloft and speaks the magic words, he is transformed into a superpowered Dark Ages hero, who rushes to save his friends from the evil sorcerer Skeletor. This is a weird version of the Dark Ages, though, as they have the requisite beasts and magic, but also robots and tanks and the like. “He-Man and the Masters of the Universe” essentially catered to every little boy fantasy at once, making for a surreal mixture of disparate genre elements. Thanks to this placating, every little boy loved it, and every grown little boy remembers it.
3) Hercules
But only when he’s played by Steve Reeves.
Steve Reeves was a hunky bodybuilder from Montana who moved to Hollywood in the late 1940s to pursue an acting career. His beginnings were decidedly inauspicious, having landed forgettable bit roles in big Hollywood movies, and a forgettable leading role in the Ed Wood movie “Jail Bait.” In 1958, however, Reeves landed the role of a lifetime in an Italian film called “Le Fatiche di Ercole,” better known in the United States as just “Hercules.” A legend was born.
Reeves is not a very good actor, mind you; few models and bodybuilders are. But Reeves was possessed of an infectious good nature that colored everything he did. He smiled a lot. He seemed to be enjoying himself. And when he thrust out his toned and bronzed pectoral muscles toward the camera, laughing and flexing, you could tell he was proud of his body. Heck, if I had a physique like that, I’d likely flaunt it as well. Reeves was like a working man’s version of Errol Flynn. A burlier, lunkheaded version of Douglas Fairbanks. A bad movie hero for the ages. He was a queer icon, a hero, and the star of some of the goofiest sword and sandal films ever made. You can find “Hercules” and its sequel, “Hercules Unchained,” on “Mystery Science Theater 3000.”
2) Asterix
this is real French history: In about AD 50, when the Roman Empire ruled most of Europe, a single village in northern France (once called Gaul), held out against the Roman invaders. It was the only area in all of Europe that was never officially conquered by Caesar. It was never discovered why this particular village was able to hold out, but local legend sprang up that they were demigods with super-strength. In the late 1950, comic book writer René Goscinney, and his talented artist friend Albert Uderzo teamed up to create Asterix the Gaul, the hero of this legendary village.
Asterix was a stalwart and good-hearted little man whose lived to serve his village, and to engage in merry pranks with his fat friend Obelix. He loved a good punch-up, took great pleasure in pummeling Romans, and frequently dined on delicious wild boar who lived in the area. He got super-strength from a magic potion brewed by his local druid Getafix. He was often enlisted by his chief Vitalstatistix (or Majestix depending on your translation) to leave his village, and he would go on adventures that took him to far-flung places like Belgium, Corsica, Goth, Spain, and, most famously, Egypt.
Asterix comics have been released ever since 1959, and were continued by Albert Uderzo when Goscinny died in 1977. They have been translated into almost every language, and , in terms of pure sales, are one of the most successful publications in the history of comics. They aren’t as popular in America as they ought to be, but I encourage you to find a few and read them. They are marked by witty word play, wonderful art, clever stories, and a surprising amount of historical accuracy about the Roman world. Just be sure to find the British translations. The American ones aren’t very good.
1) Conan the Barbarian
And no one can think of ancient warriors without thinking of Conan the Barbarian. While he started his life in a series of pulp novels back in 1932, and a series of Marvel comics in the early 1970s, Conan is best known to us from John Milius’ 1982 feature film starring Austrain uber-hunk Arnold Schwarzenegger. The film was not only bracing visceral, and pleasingly violent, but was rocked by some creepy magical characters and special effects that burned themselves deep into the brains of a generation. It also cemented the reputation of Schwarzenegger, making his the unlikely go-to action hero for over a decade.
There is something stoic and implacable about Conan. He is a hard-working warrior, yes, and an ignorant denizen of the Dark Ages, but there is something steely and heroic in his resolve. Something pragmatic, long before there was such thing as Pragmatism. He was able to attract a series of merry men who would gladly charge with him into danger. He was not necessarily noble, but he was a badass we loved, and kind of a funny guy. By the time “Conan the Destroyer” came out in 1984, the magic became over-the-top and kind of ridiculous, and even more fun than before.
There was a third Conan film written, but it fell apart in the Hollywood machine. It was evnetually made into a film called “Kull the Conqueror” starring TV superstar Kevin Sorbo. And, thanks to the recent trend of unfortunate remakes, there is another “Conan the Barbarian” due out later this year. It will star a bodybuilder named Jason Momoa, and it will be presented in 3-D. I guess we shall see if Conan’s bloody legacy as the best ancient badass of all time will live up to his reputation.
Honorable Mention: Dar
The main publisher of Geekscape, Mr. Jonathan London, threatened he would not publish this article unless I made mention of Marc Singer’s indelible performance as Dar, in Don Coscarelli’s cable TV staple “The Beastmaster.” Dar can far-see, and put his mind into the bodies of animals. He once traveled through the portal of time. He wears a loincloth. I have nothing else to say about “The Beastmaster.”
Witney Seibold is a writer living in Los Angeles. He rides his bike a lot, and eats too many Cheez-Its. When he’s not writing weekly lists for Geekscape, he is maintaining his own ‘blog Three Cheers for Darkened Years! and sharing his unsolicited opinions with the world. He is also the fortunate co-host of The B-Movies Podcast over at Crave Online, which he shares with the show’s host William Bibbiani. His opinions are probably a little bit more valid than yours.
