Venturing into the outside world can be overwhelming for a geek. However, with the proper guidance, any geek can learn the language and customs of Ordinary People in order to function, flourish and possibly even get some. So get up off the couch. Go beyond the front door! My name is Faye. I’m a fellow geek and I’m here to help you.

Fact: Even geeks need to eat.

When you find yourself reaching for a handful of potting soil to sustain you through another level of N+, it’s probably time to head out into the world to find some food. Blood banks and hobo barbecues are a great place to find a quick snack, but for more long-lasting culinary supplies you will need to visit a neighborhood supermarket.

From the Latin super, meaning “big,” and market, meaning “food buying place,” supermarkets, these big food buying places, can seem positively labyrinthine in their layout. They are also teeming with strange characters blocking your path to precious supplies. An unprepared geek is at risk of being physically and emotionally bludgeoned at the hands of flailing toddlers and free sample pushers. Worry not! Understanding a few simple techniques of the grocery shopping experience can help you more easily attain the food you require.

Supermarket Schematics

Every grocery store has been laid out in a certain way, designed to make your brain melt and cause you to buy things you don’t need. Entire books have been written on the subject of grocery store layout. Don’t read them. Instead, arm yourself with a mental blueprint based on your own unique needs. Know where you have to go ahead of time and which areas you can avoid completely. Obtaining this knowledge may require some scouting or satellite recon, but is well worth the effort. You can even draw yourself a little map to lead you on your quest for sustenance.

Quick tip: In most grocery stores, the produce section is to one far end of the store. By simply knowing which end, you will be able to avoid fresh fruit and vegetables indefinitely.

Make a List

Lists aren’t just for Type-A weirdos anymore. Formal studies have probably shown that they reduce stress and aid in time management. Since so few geeks have the financial or mental wherewithal to make a day of it at the supermarket, writing down what you need ahead of time is vital. Whether it be a typed, formatted and color printed list or a few items jotted down on a Star Trek sticky note, think of your list as a katana slicing away at the inefficiencies of public consumerism. Here are some common essential items to help you get started:

*Various dry cereals
*Peanut butter
*Soft Batch cookies
*Instant mac n’ cheese
*Microwave burritos
*Microwave everything else

Quick tip: A formal list an also be a useful stranger deterrent. If unintentional eye contact is made with a fellow shopper, look at your list. Not wishing to interrupt your study, they will pass by harmlessly.

Understand Your Foe

When you cross through those sliding doors into the controlled atmosphere of a grocery store, chances are you won’t be the only person in there. At any given time of day or night, there will be between 10 and 700 other shoppers going about their own food buying. Some of them will be mercifully disinterested in disturbing the equilibrium of the world around them. A simple nod of acknowledgment is enough to appease these gentle souls.

Others will be demon harpies bent on sucking you in to their hellish business. These individuals will bring unleashed children into the store to burn off energy. They will park their carts in the middle of the aisle and wander off to find elusive toothpicks and breadcrumbs. They will assail your ears with idle weather talk and repeated use of the word “tampons.” Ignoring these “free spirits” is your only recourse if you wish to remain anonymous. If they are blocking your path to a necessary item, a minor adjustment to your shopping route may be necessary to help you avoid their path entirely. Should you prefer to confront them, however, a quick Mongolian chop to the neck is a good way to start things off.

Quick tip: Pick a song that takes you to a happy place and sing it repeatedly in your head to tune out unwanted chatter. I suggest “Spanish Flea” by Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass.

Paper or Plastic?

Once you have gathered your wares, you are ready to head to the checkout counter. This is possibly the most trying leg of your journey. All of the aforementioned shoppers are now crammed into tiny silos lined with impulse buy items, unloading their coveted finds onto conveyor belts in an orgy of distracted mayhem. Some of them are just now remembering items they forgot and dashing back out of line. Others will be interrogating the cashier about the nature and legitimacy of the charity to which they were just asked to donate 13 cents. A very special few will be writing checks or arguing about the price on that expired box of Mother’s Day chocolates they found on the floor in the back of the store.

Basically, if anyone in your chosen line appears to be thinking a little too hard, choose another line. Remember to have any necessary cards (debit, ID, reward) at the ready. Failure to do so is really effing annoying to the person in line behind you.

Quick tip: You don’t need whatever thing you think you need from the checkout aisle. Not even those little horoscope scrolls.

Food in hand, you are ready to return to the welcoming embrace of your home. Stow your food carefully on your makeship particle-board pantry shelves and settle back down on the couch. Put your feet up, fire up the Xbox and enjoy a few hundred delicious carbohydrates. You’ve earned them!