A Geek’s Rant: The Types Of People Who Should Not Go To Movies

Thursday night, I saw an early showing of the new James Bond film Skyfall, (check out my review here) and while I loved the movie I absolutely hated the audience that I watched it with. I attended a special “IMAX Experience” showing of the film as I simply couldn’t wait another day to see the new Bond movie. Since it was an IMAX screening, tickets cost a premium $5 more than a regular ticket, which in this case I was totally okay with… at least until I entered the auditorium.  I unfortunately was saddled with not just one, but three annoying members of the audience. They were just a few in a long list of people who really just need to stay the hell out of my moviegoing experience . The list includes but of course is not limited to the following people:

Tween Bitches: These are the girls who will come in as a group and have no intention or desire to actually watch the movie you’ve paid to see and will talk and giggle throughout and say really stupid shit…loudly. “I mean, like, this was the only thing playing before the next showing of Twilight starts! OMG LOL!!!”. Shouldn’t you bitches be at home watching Teen Mom on MTV? Bother me during a movie and bitches get stitches. That’s all I’m saying.

The Guy Who Doesn’t Get What’s Going On: He’s the guy who will in the loudest possible whisper, ask the person next to him, “What did he just say?” or “What just happened?” Dude, shouldn’t have drank that 64 oz. soda before the movie started or should just pay attention more. Sir, I’m sorry that the plot is too complicated for you to follow. Now please shut the fuck up.

The Douchebag: That annoying guy who’s seated in the row in front of you who before the previews even start he will make comments to himself as if there was someone else with him. Then throughout the course of the film he will laugh and clap loudly at anything he finds to be funny and/or awesome, even when it’s often not. This guy needs to shut the fuck up but won’t.  If such an individual feels the need to talk out-loud to themselves and hoot and holler at the screen go catch a showing of Expendables 2. Otherwise chill out and pipe it down.

The Sick Guy: You know him, he’s the one who’s coughing up a lung and blowing his nose during the ENTIRE movie. Yeah, that shit’s just nasty. Take your germs and get the hell out. I’ve seen the films Outbreak and Contagion. I know how badly this can end. I’d like to finish this movie without getting infected with your filth. Seriously, if you’re sick, just do the public a favor and lock yourself away until you’re either better or dead.

The Guy Who’s Drunk or High: The guy who looks like a tweaker and gets mad because you don’t want to share your red vines with him…even though you don’t know him. He is prone to shouting things at the screen such as “fuck that guy up, dawg!” He will usually pass out during the movie but will wake up towards the end and resume shouting at the screen.

Fussy Children: The petulant child who is cawing through-out a movie. Now I don’t fully blame this child as much as I blame their parents. First off, what the hell are you doing bringing a small child to movie that clearly isn’t for kids? Secondly, if you are a parent who absolutely, positively has to see a movie when it comes out either A) get a FUCKING babysitter, or B) have the god damn common courtesy to get up and take the kid outside if they can’t keep quiet. It’s just common sense. If people are paying $17 to see a movie, I’m guessing that they actually want to see and hear it, and don’t want to hear your out-of-place child being a little bitch.

The Phantom Phone Fucker: This guy’s phone will repeatedly go off during the course of the movie, proclaiming “message downloading”. Really, I mean, come on! I dealt with this fucker during my showing of Skyfall and actually tracked him down after it was over and called him out on his shit. Do those three ads politely asking you to “please silence your phone” prior to the flick mean nothing to you? Apparently not, you stupid Nerf Herder1 The best part is walking by this guy after the movie and finding out he had spent the duration with his phone plugged in, so as to make sure he had enough charge to download that fucking message. I hope that message contains the answer to the universe and life because otherwise your message could have waited. This guy is a plague on humanity and needs to be smothered in the germs of The Sick Guy. The Phantom Phone Fucker has a lot in common with the next guy on the list…

Timmy the Texter: Little Timmy here will feel the need to be on his phone texting during the entire movie. He can’t help it though, that photo of Selena Gomez just really needs to be reblogged on Tumblr! He’s pretty sure nobody will notice though, thanks to the awkward angle he uses to try and hide the light. Dude, it’s like the fucking hatch from LOST. It radiates light as far as wide as the eye can see. I see that light and my vision turns red. I’ve imagined on numerous occasions about grabbing the phone and chucking it at the wall and saying something witty to Timmy. This has yet to happen though, but I imagine it will happen at some point. If you someday read a news article about a guy flipping out in a theater and smashing cell phones you’ll know it was me.

Yes, all of these people do exist and yes, there’s a good chance you may run into them on your next trip to the movies. The last two on the list are probably the ones that annoy me the most, I’ve expressed my views on them previously (read about that here). Thankfully, there are theaters like Alamo Drafthouse and Arclight that take steps to remove such people from their theaters. Check out this fantastic voicemail left from Tammy the Texter after she was kicked out of the Alamo Drafthouse for texting.

Hopefully, more theaters will take a page out of Alamo’s play-book and keep such people out. I’d gladly make that my job if a theater wanted to hire me. If anyone out theater owners out there want to contract my services let me know. I’ve got no problem being a polite asshole to such people and kicking them out. Let’s make it happen!

So now you’ve been warned but, just remember that as horrible as these individuals are and should probably not exist, rabbit punching them in the back of the head isn’t an option…not even for me. In closing, I will leave you with the words of the great Roger Murtaugh, “I’m too old for this shit!”