The Weekly Witney: 20 Unconventional Sex Symbols

Valentine’s Day is coming up this weekend. This is either a time to be extra romantic/sexy with your partner, or to bemoan your singlehood, either through depressed bouts of late-night robot movies and gallons of ice cream, or through a healthy shot of romantic cynicism, forcing you to snuff hatefully at anyone or anything that displays even the remotest modicum of romantic gesture.

Luckily, no matter what our relationship status is, we can call agree that celebrity crushes are the ideal romantic relationships. Celebrities always stay fit and attractive for you, they are always going to treat you well, and you only have to spend money to see them in movies. True, it’s rare that you actually get to hold hands with – or have sex with – your celebrity crushes, but it’s nice to have them as your fantasy.

In the spirit of the unrequited celebrity crush, I have collected a list of 20 sex symbols from movies and TV. But, I must qualify, this is not a list of the obvious ones that have captured the erotic imaginations of humanity the world over (sorry Scarlett Johansson, sorry James Franco), but a more introspective list of the sex symbols that huge amounts of people have crushes on, but who don’t grace magazine covers. Here is a list of twenty unconventional sex symbols (ten women, and ten men).

The Men:

Jeff Goldblum

Something curious about Jeff Goldblum: women would argue as to who was hotter between, say Brad Pitt and Matt Damon, but everyone could always agree on the cerebral charm and acerbic wit of Jeff Goldblum. His easygoing demeanor, sleepy-eyed smirk, and sense of humor seemed to break down all barriers. Plus, even today, he has that attractive lanky physique that never goes out of style.

Jason Statham

Also universally agreed upon is the thuggish, buff, tough guy appeal of action star Jason Statham. Something about his intensity, his unwillingness to be soft, his bedroom voice and alluring British accent, his attractive bald head… heck, there’s a reason some men have started to coin the phrase “gay-tham for Statham.” Also, something tells me that, underneath the tough guy exterior, is a tender lover who would make you a killer omelet in the morning.

Eddie Izzard

Often, androgyny can be sexy (just look at David Bowie), and many women (and no small amount of men) find transvestites to be attractive. They display a sexual vulnerability that can be very alluring. A lot of people like funny British blokes who like to riff on the world around them. Put those qualities together, and you’ve got famed British comedian Eddie Izzard, the object of so much lust, it’s hard to keep track. Open, funny, goofy, killer sense of humor, and willing to compare dresses with you, Izzard sounds like one fun date.

Udo Kier

Peculiar, romantic, intense, iconic, Udo Kier is a dream date. You’d never be sure if he was making a funny joke, staring at you in intense arousal, or ready to drink your blood. Kier is a charismatic actor with a wonderful accent, intense blue eyes, and an old-school cosmopolitan European charm that seems to have fallen by the wayside in his peers. For those of you who like their men with a keen edge of darkness, mixed with an ineffable sense of camp, Udo Kier is your man.

Jon Stewart

Self-effacing, cute, youthful, wise, fiercely intelligent, refreshingly ironic, Jon Stewart is sexier than he often gets credit for. The dude has been hosting “The Daily Show” for years now, and every night, he plays with the audience, and sparkles to millions of young girls across the country, subtly and unwittingly seducing them with his smirk. Most people cite having a sense of humor as being one of the most important qualities in a mate. If that’s the case, Jon Stewart is genetically superior to us all.

Ben “Yahtzee” Croshaw

And if you’re into the geeky guy, why not turn your lust cannons on the unendingly acerbic and hilariously cynical video game critic Ben “Yahtzee” Croshaw? Yahtzee was born in England, and currently lives in Australia, where he turns in weekly video game reviews for a website called The Escapist. He’s fast-talking, witty, and actually has the smarts to back up his complaints; no mere ranter, he is a smart critic. What’s more, he’s actually a handsome dude, pulling off the goatee-hat-suspenders ensemble that so many geeks fail at.

Gary Daniels

Few people know about Gary Daniels, and that is a pity. I was only introduced recently (thanks to one William Bibbiani), and I feel like some light has been shed on an underseen corner of fight film history. A martial artist born in England, Daniels is one of the better fighters in cinematic history. Buff, tough, and yet cute and boyish, he projects a charming, lunkheaded availability that few actors have. Plus, he looks great with his shirt off.

Willem Dafoe (as Jesus)

Willem Dafoe is a terrific actor who can be calm and warm just as well as he can be intense and intimidating. He is also very willing to put himself out there for a role, and have appeared in all manner of daring films (from “Antichrist” to “The Boondock Saints” where he played a transvestite). For some reason, though, his sexiest role has been considered to be (at least by some of the ladies I’ve talked to) that of Jesus Christ in Scorsese’s “The Last Temptation of Christ.” Maybe it was the gentleness. Maybe it was his thin body. For whatever reason, Jesus came across as strangely doable.

David Cronenberg

Perhaps not conventionally handsome, Cronenberg has the bedroom stare and the bedroom voice of a genuine incubus. He is a stirringly clever man and incredibly talented director whose interests run to the strong and the bizarre. What’s more, if his films are anything to go by, he has some pretty wild sexual interests, and would be willing to do the kinky things you’ve always dreamed of. He’s like the experienced professor you always hope you get, paired with a closet kinkster.

Lee Pace

A female friend of mine described Lee Pace in the following way: “Unf unf unf.” And how true. The star of the underrated fantasy film “The Fall,” and the short-lived quirk-filled sitcom “Pushing Daisies” has been slowly amassing a following of drooling fangirls for years. His pouty lips, sweet face, and charming tenderness speak to that. No mere good looking guy, he’s an honest-to-goodness dork fella. For many, that’s more than enough.

The Women:

Mary Lynn Rajskub

Mary Lynn Rajskub is a geek dreamgirl. She played the sarcastic computer expert Chloe in “24,” and her unwillingness to put up with government bullshit, paired with her obvious affection for Jack Bauer struck the hearts of geek boys everywhere. She was pouty at times and angry often, but always intense and always kind of cute. This is a woman with a sense of humor, and a geeky aplomb often unseen on TV. If you live in L.A., she currently has a one-woman show at The Steve Allen Theater called “Mary Lynn Spreads Her Legs.” Sexy? Oh indeed.

Sarah Vowell

And if you like nerd girls, why not go to the patroness saint of them all? Sarah Vowell is a rock ‘n’ roll critic from way back, and has written several hilarious books on the more obscure corners of American history. She has also been a regular contributor to “The American Life” for many years, gracing our cars and living rooms with her sweet, earnest, wry, lisping voice. This is a woman who is staggeringly intelligent, passionate about nerdy topics, and willing to talk to you about them. And, of course, way funny.

Fay Masterson

Any of you know who she is? Few do. Those who do, though, have probably fallen in wuv with her cutesy smile, lovely red hair, and goofy charm. She did have a small role in Kubrick’s “Eyes Wide Shut,” but is probably better known in the geek community as the wife from “The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra,” and Larry Blamire’s other features. Her resume also revels that she was in other geek films like “The Quick and the Dead,” and that she has played voices in various video games. Seek her out, and then get your heart fluttering.

Debi Mazar

Debi Mazar is one of those actresses who is well-known and widely lusted after, despite not having too many leading roles to her name, and not really being well-known for one role in particular. She is that Queens-based badgirl of our fantasies. She was the evil girlfriend in “Batman Forver.” She was the sassy phone sex operator in Spike Lee’s “Girl 6.” She was the snarling mom in “Trees Lounge.” She was the cute Goth-ish chick in “Empire Records.” It’s likely she appeared in a single episode of your favorite show. Ubiquitous, intense, dark, fun, Debi Mazar is one of the ages.

Fairuza Balk

And if intense, wide-eyed Gothy New Yorkers do it for you, then you have Fairuza Balk to deal with. Balk comes across as the bad girl you were never cool enough to hang out with. The one who would show off bruises from the mosh pit she was in the night before, while you only dream of getting that riled up. She would be the one starting a bar fight, kicking ass, and then laughing about it the next day in genuine mirth. What’s more, she’s an intense and talented actress with a gorgeous smile and huge eyes. Many of us have stared at Fairuza Balk, and hoped.

Heather Matarazzo

Todd Solondz cast the 13-year-old Matarazzo in his tragic coming-of-age tale “Welcome to the Dollhouse” in the hopes that she would play as a hopelessly awkward and unredeemable waif/dork. What he didn’t realize is that he was making the archetypal lovelorn geek girl that would stand for a generation, Many of my male friends have come out in recent years as having a huge, huge crush on Matarazzo’s dorky appeal, and tender vulnerability. She only aged with her roles, and became headstrong and intelligent. To the chagrin of many a male, she recently came out of the closet. Well, luckily, our crushes can live on.

Tilda Swinton

A great actress, a daring actress, and a sexy actress. Often cast as a cold androgyne, Swinton is actually an intensely sexual being who can easily play with our minds as well as our libidos. By turns warm, intense, insane, cold, and warm again, Swinton is one of those actresses that seems capable of anything. She’s like the young hot, disapproving professor that you kind of hated for being so strict, but secretly longed for. And, if you’re into that sort of thing, she can even ride gender lines.

Imogen Boorman

This is a personal one. When I was 15 or so, I watched “Hellbound: Hellraiser II” for the first time, and it quickly became one of my favorite horror movies. Not least of which was because of the presence of a cute young blonde actress named Imogen Boorman in the role of Tiffany, the mute puzzle-solver. Something about her tender cuteness in the midst of all the gore effects turned my heart. What’s more, in an after-film interview, she was possessed of a demure, embarrassed humility that only turned my heart all the more. I’ve held that experience close ever since.

Helena Bonham Carter in “Planet of the Apes”

Helena Bonham Carter is hot to the Goth crowd, amazing to the acting community, and evil to certain gals for stealing Tim Burton away from us. She’s kooky, intelligent, and gorgeous. But what better display of animal sexuality is there than when she played, well, an animal? Was it the bob haircut? The big vulnerable eyes? The odd, sensual movements? The power she displayed through the ape makeup? Whatever the reason, I’ve heard more than one male say they preferred Helena than the wispy human love interest.

Beth Ditto

Curvy, confrontational, queer, subversive, poppy, punky, Beth Ditto is oozing a sexual energy that many rock stars only wish they had. As the frontwomen of Gossip, Ditto is a libidinous letch with a primal scream, and an edgy gay sensibility that I find very alluring. So what if she’s only into women? A guy can dream about making out with this angry hot fat chick right? Yo, fat girl. C’mere are you ticklish?

Witney Seibold is a writer living in Los Angeles. He is a cheery guy who works hard and is lazy in equal measure. He reads old books, watches old European movies, and harbors a luddite, technophobic attitude at too early an age. You can read more of his review on his ‘blog at Three Cheers for Darkened Years.It can be accessed at the following address:

http://witneyman.wordpress.com/