The Geekscape Guide to Concert Etiquette

This past weekend, Kanye West thought it was a good idea to piss off an entire audience full of people by starting his performance at 4:30 in the morning after they had waited for hours. While Geekscape can’t save you if an artist dicks you over, our very own Noel Nocciolo (aka Ears on the Pulse) is here to offer some friendly advice to keep you from getting beat up by girls this summer.

I recently attended a concert and had one of the most bizarre experiences I’ve ever encountered at a show of ANY kind, ever. As a result, I started thinking about Concert etiquette, and how it is not really something you learn in cotillion, or from books; like when I read Tiffany’s Table Manners For Children in my youth. With the emergence of modern rock and popular music, the times have changed us. Whether we realize it or not, or even CARE to realize it, our experience as a spectator changes with the times.

The event, which precipitated my writing this, was seeing Jakob Dylan and his band, the Gold Mountain Rebels, at the Blender Theatre At Gramercy in New York City. I was invited by my friend, Stefanie, who manages bands and runs a record label, and as a result of both of those things, (as well as an overall love for music) she attends an enormous amount of shows annually. Stefanie is a huge fan of Jakob Dylan and his Father, Bob, respectively. After having what proved to be a religious experience with her months prior, in the front row for Bob Dylan (with Elvis Costello opening, solo-acoustic) at which time we actually made and held eye contact, no joke, with the Man Himself, I was thrilled to come with her to another Dylan Family Experience.

In case you are unfamiliar, Jakob Dylan = Smolderingly sexy. Talented. Wears a crisp suit or suit-like outfit. And chill. This is not a trip to the Warped Tour. This is a crowd that would be at home seeing Counting Crows. Granted, the venues’ air-conditioning was out in New York City’s record-breaking June heat, but the show was also sold out, and people were there to be entertained. We dealt with it, and frankly, I’ve experienced worse heat for great art (cough cough, AUSTIN CITY LIMITS).

I am voluntarily becoming the Emily Post or Amy Vanderbilt for Rock-Concert Etiquette. I shall highlight some things to consider when venturing out of one’s home for a show. Let us begin.

1) The first point I shall make known is a kind reminder that a concert in a public place is not a private jam-session in your living room. If you have a half a million or more dollars sitting around to pay your favorite artist to come over and play for you in the privacy of your own home, then you may disregard. Sorry folks, but this is not how it works for (most) of us. There are other people watching the show, too. You do not have to purchase drinks for these other people, become best friends or braid their hair, just acknowledge that they, too, paid money to come out to the show (or they, too, are on someone’s guest list and have a vested interest in the artist.)

2) Since this is not a private jam-session, in which you’re choosing the set list, the artist is NOT obligated to play the songs you scream out in the quiet in-between-songs portion of the show. If you are in the front section of the venue, chances are that he or she will hear you the FIRST or SECOND time you yell for a particular tune. To continue to yell out a request, not once, not twice, but FIFTEEN TIMES THROUGHOUT THE NIGHT, is not only obnoxious and disrespectful to those around you, it is disrespectful to the artist who is fulfilling his or her end of the bargain and is playing for their allotted time. They picked a set list! Though they do not travel with a stone carver who etches such set lists into permanence each night before the show, it still exists! And the artist will play whatever they darn well please! If you are not feeling it, you may leave, or go to another stop on the tour and hope for your Dream Show. But please, pretty please with sugar sprinkles on top, do not continue to yell for something, be it the obscure or the Top-Forty hit. The artist knows how he or she wants their show to go. This is their job, be it glamorous or unconventional, it is what puts money in their pocket, and breakfast cereal on their kid’s table. Do outside people enter your office job and demand you change the font on your Word program?

3) I’ve been ‘That Person Holding Up Their Cell Phone At A Show’ and I’m sure you have, too. The backlight of a cell phone has become the lighter-in-the-air of our generation, except that with a cellie, you’re sharing the experience of the show across the miles with your unlucky friend who either 1) wasn’t so lucky on ticketmaster.com when the show tickets went on sale or 2) lives elsewhere but still wanted to hear *insert song title here* if, like, ohmygod they played it. If you choose to be that person, please be discreet about calling and holding up the phone. Not everyone around you wants the vibe to be compromised by your cell phone backlight. It’s just not as sexy as the lighter-in-the-air.

4) My friend-from-college, Mariel, with whom I’ve shared two Bonnaroos and two Langerados, and many miles on the road to and from, thought I should definitely mention how this ‘humble’ writer took the pen that was holding my messy summertime hair in place, and deflated several beach balls during the first few songs of Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers’ headlining set at Bonnaroo 2006. While you might be shocked by this, yes, I do realize now that I was being a pain in the ass (sorry, Emily Post, but this is rock and roll) and ruining people’s fun, but when a living legend is trying to perform, is it so wrong for him not to be distracted by beach balls? And is it so wrong for him to not have to dodge stray balls while he’s playing? Is it so wrong for us, who have waited patiently for his set to begin to not be hit in the face by your “summer festival fun props?” These are all important questions of Concert Courtesy, kids.

Though I’ve related the Bob Dylan concert with Stefanie to be a ‘religious experience’ (I can count Tori Amos, Tom Waits, Wilco, Bjork, Arcade Fire, and on and on and on among these experiences) we are not in church. No one is suggesting that you be muted in your prayer. You can talk! You can laugh if the artist makes jokes! You can clap and yell appreciatively! You can be psyched when he finally plays that B-side that only the hard-core fans know after you’ve seen ten shows this tour! But how about when you do all these things, you don’t carry on a conversation with your friend as though you are in Starbucks having a venti double no-foam latte, without coming up for air whatsoever. Please do not be this person. You are only going to irk everyone around you and be shushed like a kindergartener. We are not in kindergarten. We are all adults. Why spend money on concert tickets when you can put their album on at home and talk incessantly with your friends? Please spare us all and stay home.

Respect the artist, respect your fellow fans, and have a wonderful, polite experience. Please tip your bartender, and get home safely.

The above photo is compliments of the indie band Racing Kites, currently on tour this summer. Check out their dates and music at www.myspace.com/racingkites and on a near future episode of Geekscape.