Geekscape Movie Review: You Will Meet A Tall Dark Stranger!

Nowadays it seems like you’re not allowed to review a Woody Allen movie without saying whether or not the new film is one of his “best.” Woody Allen is a prolific filmmaker, damn it. He’s directed over 40 feature films, at least a dozen of which are genuine classics. Sure he’s cobbled together a few crapburgers (the less said about Small Time Crooks the better), but even his mediocre films are intelligent examinations of the human condition, or at least charming bits of fluff. Complaining because a film simply isn’t his “best” is one seriously backhanded compliment. Allen’s latest film You Will Meet A Tall Dark Stranger probably won’t be the highlight on his lifetime achievement reel, yet it’s still a smart film from a talented filmmaker who clearly has something on his mind.

You Will Meet A Tall Dark Stranger features an all-star cast of characters who are, in one way or another, deluding themselves: Alfie (Anthony Hopkins) is undergoing a 3/4-life crisis and divorces his wife Helena (Gemma Jones of the Harry Potter franchise), thinking he is going to outlive her. While he’s out trying to meet young women, Helena seeks the counsel of a psychic, Cristal (Pauline Collins of “The Bleak House”), who gives her reassuring but clearly malarkey-ish advice. Meanwhile, their daughter Sally (Naomi Watts) is having marital difficulties with her husband Roy (Josh Brolin). Roy is a licensed physician who never practiced, nor does he ever intend to, because he wants to be a writer. Both Roy and Sally fantasize about other, seemingly more attractive people in their lives. Roy is entranced by Dia (Slumdog Millionaire’s Freida Pinto), the musician who lives across the street, whom he can spy out of the window of his home office. Sally thinks she and her boss Greg (Antonio Banderas) are falling in love, and doesn’t know what how she feels about it. Bad Boys II this ain’t.

The word that comes most easily to mind when describing You Will Meet A Tall Dark Stranger is “dry.” Though frequently amusing there aren’t many belly laughs, and while it successfully holds the audience’s attentions it’s not a particularly thrilling drama. The actors almost overload You Will Meet A Tall Dark Stranger with talent, but hardly a one of them gets a dynamite scene or heavy emotional moment. The finest parts of the film are small and humiliating: Alfie’s impotence, real and imagined, upon fearing that his young new trophy wife Charmaine (Lucy Punch of Dinner For Schmucks), or Sally’s awkward relationship with Greg, which really showcases the finest acting we’ve seen from Antonio Banderas in a long time.

No, Woody Allen plays this one close to the vest, and while it’s never as transcendent as Vicky Cristina Barcelona it’s a still a clever film. Perhaps a little too clever. You Will Meet A Tall Dark Stranger is nothing if not highbrow and frankly, sometimes I worried that it was going over my head. That’s not something a critic says lightly, but Woody Allen is an older man making highly personal films, and I worry that we’re just not on the same wavelength. I was a young kid when Crimes & Misdemeanors came out, for example, and it took well over a decade of life and relationship experience before I was able to fully comprehend what the “misdemeanors” part of the narrative, at least, really meant. Allen here is talking about living your life with unfulfilled, even foolish dreams, and the way that those dreams can inspire you to greatness, ease you into contentment, and even destroy everything you hold dear. The nuances are obviously there, but not likely to resonate well with younger audiences who still see these delusions as a promise of things to come, and not a pathetic reminder of missed opportunities and naïve childish days.

You Will Meet A Tall Dark Stranger is recommended for Woody Allen fans, or those looking for intelligent discourse in cinematic form, but it’s not for everyone. Maybe it’s geared towards people who already have to wisdom to understand the film’s preoccupations, or at least to have their minds opened by them. The rest of us will be left in the dark, hoping that we’ll never look upon at any of these characters and think, “Been there. Done that.”