Postgame Analysis of Tonight’s Nintendo Presser aka Where’s My Zelda 3DS?
Nintendo is a sensitive company, some say the heart of the video game industry. That’s pretty apparent when you factor in that they obviously scheduled their North American Nintendo Direct press conference for midnight EST tonight to steer clear of all those hardcore Nintendo fans who were also watching Game 5 of the NBA Finals… RIGHT?!? Well, that one didn’t go into overtime… or even into a Game 6. Regardless, I’m STILL going to provide a little “postgame” as I address the positives and negatives of Nintendo’s presser.
If you want to watch the entire Nintendo Direct press conference for yourself, here it is:
– Let’s start with the “Who Gives a Damn?”
The new Nintendo 3DS XL will be released on August 19th for $199.99
It comes with a new 4.88 inch top screen (up from 3.5 inches) and a bottom screen of 4.18 inches (from the original 3). Let me tell you why I don’t care.
Because if you’re the kind of Nintendo nerd like me who watches an online streaming press conference… you already own a 3DS and you have for a year (or at least since the “games” came out in November). On top of that, the idea of a bigger 3DS really defeats the point of a portable system. I look at the kids playing their Nintendo DS XLs at our local meet-ups (yeah, I go to 3DS meet-ups… fuck you) and they look like they’re playing Angry Birds on an iPad. I don’t want a bigger 3DS. I’m not 90 years old. A 3DS XL is the equivalent of those enormous remote controls they sell to old people at Bed Bath and Beyond. No. Gracias.
The biggest missed opportunity here is that they didn’t take the time to add a second analog pad (ie. what the hardcore Nintendo gamers wanted). Whoops!
Namco Bandai is teaming with Project Sora for a new Smash Bros. game
This game will be for the 3DS and WiiU. And you’ll probably get to beat the crap out of PacMan. I’ll say it right now. I don’t like the Smash Bros. games. I could care less. I’m sorry. But I’m not a 16 year old Asian kid playing in a sweaty tournament in the basement of a Motel 6 out off the 60 freeway. If you kids want to watch a bunch of button mashing ridiculousness while yelling at each other about how close that last save was (umm… there are a LOT of saves in these games) then knock yourself out. No. Actually knock yourself out… with a human fist. Then you’d actually feel something for once.
Let’s be clear: Fighting games are for gamers who were too afraid to play contact sports. First Person Shooters are for gamers who at one time tried contact sports but were embarrassingly awful at them.
The New Super Mario Bros. 2 3DS game available August 19th will have paid DLC
Nintendo drew a line on DLC… but it looks like that line is starting to bend towards breaking. The new Fire Emblem game will supposedly have some DLC as well. Not cool, Nintendo. New Super Mario Bros. 2 is already looking like a thinner version of the original with the Golden Shower Coin Grab Mode a not that fun attempt to add Street Pass features to the game. That WILL get old fast. Please prove me wrong and make this game as substantial as the original DS title. But something about the sound of “future DLC” and “day and date downloadable and retail title” have me worried.
And no DLC on games like Mario Kart!?! I know. You’re sick of me bitching on Geekscape about wanting downloadable tracks for Mario Kart. It HAS to happen one day. It HAS to.
New Pokemon Stuff
Sorry, Pokemon fans. I got to this part of the press conference, my wife entered the room and realized what I was watching and I felt like a complete loser. I turned it off because I couldn’t care less about the Pokemons. I know that at one time I had TWO Mewtwos and was the elite trainer on my block (and easily the oldest) but that was 13 years ago. That ship has sailed for me and you’d already cost me any chance of having sex tonight. I had to bail.
By the way. Huge surprise. There’ll be new Pokemon stuff.
– Okay. So what was The Good?!?
Animal Crossing 3DS is coming and it will have Streetpass
Great. A bunch of strangers can visit my town and threaten to chop down all my trees via Streetpass. I’m cool with it. There’ll also be tarot card readings. I knew that this game (especially Tom Nook) was evil and Satanic but now it’s starting to all come to light. I skipped City Folk on the Wii but sign me up for this one. You had me at Streetpass. And Satanism.
Kingdom Hearts: Dream Drop Distance has a demo NOW on the eShop
I still want to call this game Kingdom Hearts: Egg Drop Soup. In any event, it’s coming and it’s coming soon. You can wet your appetites already. Say what I will about Nintendo and their eShop but these demos have been great and they’ve been treating them in a fantastic way. Keep them coming.
Professor Layton is finally coming to your 3DS
Professor Layton and the Mask of Miracle was a Japanese 3DS launch title. So why haven’t we seen it in the States yet? Has localization really taken this long? Whatever the puzzle may be, I’m glad it’s finally solved. We’ll be seeing this game in November (news to which my wife responded with “Merry Christmas!”). I’m already giving thanks.
New Titles Coming to the 3DS Virtual Console
The big ones are that Legend of Zelda is coming July 5th for Non-Ambassadors (jerks… I’ve been playing it for months!) and that Super Mario Land will have a price drop to $2.99 through the end of June. Also, new games will be arriving once a week this summer, including Kid Icarus: Of Myths, Wario Land: Super Mario Land 3, Sonic Blast and Sonic Labyrinth (which 5 people played).
– Now for The Inexcusable…
STILL NO WORD ON A 3DS SPECIFIC ZELDA TITLE! COME ON!!!!
WTF. It didn’t happen at E3. It didn’t happen tonight (which we could have guessed). But this is something that Nintendo has been hinting at for months. We loved the 3DS port of Ocarina of Time (it’s easily the best version of the game) but that’s a game that’s 13 years old now. I know that it wasn’t a Nintendo 64 launch title and we had to wait a while for that too but does the 3DS have that kind of time? Do portables have the same lifespans as consoles? This is something that has to have a 2013 release date on it or it runs the risk of becoming yesterday’s news (especially if the WiiU sports a console Zelda title).
Skyward Sword was a complete fetch quest of a game. It’s really one of the worst of the series and I’d only list it as playable for it’s motion controls, final dungeon and final fight scene. A 3DS port of Majora’s Mask would only stop the bleeding for a month or two. A new interpretation of Link to the Past would be interesting. But really, what any Zelda and 3DS fan wants is a true 3DS designed Zelda game. And not something like Spirit Tracks or the other DS title. Those were fun but got buried in their own backtracking (although using the Wind Waker art direction was great). Give us something that uses the system properly, 3DS, Streetpass, camera and all. We’re waiting, Nintendo. Make it happen. The clock on this system started ticking when you announced the 3DS XL.
