Michael Jackson’s Greatest Misses

In the wake of Michael Jackson’s sudden death and the surrounding media frenzy, it seems the consensus amongst his fans is “let’s just remember the good stuff” and not talk about the bad stuff. It seems fair; after all, it is just courtesy to not speak ill of the dead. And in Michael’s case, the “bad stuff” is pretty bad. Sure, he was acquitted of all molestation charges, but if he didn’t at least play “show me yours and I’ll show you mine” with one of those pre teen boys, then I’ll give up men — for like, a whole week even. Everyone now just wants to focus on back when Michael was normal, at least to the naked eye, and ignore the insanity that accompanied him these last couple of decades.

But what if you’re like me, and you LOVED the Crazy Michael? OK, maybe not molesty Michael, but just plain whacked Michael? What if you looked forward to all the latest insanity to come out of the Jackson camp with anticipation and glee? Ever since Michael’s career came crashing down with the molestation charges back in 1993, I’ve enjoyed watching the living train wreck that was Michael Jackson. There have been other celebrity train wrecks before and since; Elvis, Britney, Lindsay, Ana Nicole….the list goes on and on. But few had the endless hundreds of millions to indulge every bizarre and oddball urge that came into their brains — although Howard Hughes does come to mind. Michael Jackson took the weirdo superstar train wreck and elevated it into almost an art form. No, not almost, it WAS Art. Capital A. And the best part is he probably wasn’t  even aware of it on that level. For him it was all just normal. And that made it all so much better.

The Crazy Things I’ll Miss:

Neverland Ranch

What happens when you’re the biggest star in the world, and all you wanna do is go to Disneyland? (And you don’t want to go to Disneyland having to wear prosthetics to make you look like an old white man. Yes, he actually did that once.) Well, you build your own! Neverland had its very own series of Merry Go Rounds, Go Carts, and a Choo Choo Train. It even had its very own zoo with llamas and tigers and Bubbles the Chimp. The place was fuckin’ nuts. When I was a kid the rumor was that it had its very own Pirates of the Caribbean ride underneath. OK, that is probably not true. But to this day, I choose to believe it is there.

Rumor is that Michael will be buried at Neverland and the place is going to be open to the public like a Graceland style theme park. If that comes true I am SO going. I can’t wait to ride that Choo Choo and whisper tasteless jokes in the ears of my friends.

The Outfits

Michael always dressed like some kind of cross between Captain Crunch, Liberace, and your 90 year old grandmother’s chandelier. And not just to go on stage, where it would make sense – he’d dress that way for a court date, to go to the hospital, you name it. It would be like Leonard Nimoy going to a Star Trek convention today wearing Spock ears. But I have to admit that I loved it.

The Dumb Publicity Moves

I suppose, like a certain Mr. George Lucas, when you are so rich and powerful that you can do anything you want, no one ever tells you “….maybe that isn’t such a good idea“. I can only imagine what went through Michael’s head with some of these bone headed moves…

“Everyone will think I’m straight and into chicks and not an icky child molester if I marry Elvis’ daughter, then have an awkward staged kiss with her on live TV!”

“Since everyone wants to see this new baby I just bought—I mean, just had, how about I hold him out this four story window with a shawl over his face?”

“That documentary did a lot of damage – that Martin Bashir was a mean doody head! I’ll release my OWN documentary footage to show the world how normal I am, like when I rented out a grocery store for the night and paid actors to pretend to be other shoppers and ignore me, then I filled my shopping cart like a regular Joe. Or show how Elizabeth Taylor surprises me with a Chistmas present of a live elephant named Gypsy! That’ll show them! I’m just like you America!”

“This molestation trial is pretty serious. I might even go to jail forever! Fuck it…I’m gonna get up on this SUV and pop and lock!”

That Face

Watching Michael Jackson turn from a cute black boy into some kind of cross between Diana Ross and an Alien Grey was like a multi million dollar decades long art project.  Every few months he’d pop his head out like it was Groundhog Day, it would be a newer, different, more weird looking Michael Jackson. And every time he did it, I’d be horrified and yet enthralled at what he’d accomplished. Can the human nose get any smaller??? Could it have gotten smaller?? Now we’ll never know.

What I Won’t Miss: The Music

Why not? Because I’ll forever have Off The Wall, Thriller and the old Jackson 5 stuff in my iTunes.  So I don’t need to ever miss it. As for new music…let’s face it, Michael had not produced anything worthwhile musically in like, twenty years. (No, not even Bad. OK, Except for Smooth Criminal. That song and video are pretty awesome. And don’t say Man In The Mirror either. That shit is best left to bad Jr. High talent shows/dance routines.) The best Michael Jackson song in recent years was D.A.N.C.E. from Euro dance pop group Justice. Other people have been producing better MJ product than MJ himself. And no, Michael was probably never going to accomplish a major comeback. Let us not kid ourselves, it was way too late for that. His death IS his comeback.

So farewell, Michael. While others called you “Wacko Jacko” with derision, I did so with affection. Your unique brand of crazy often brought a smile to my face. The world will, at the very least, be a way more boring place without you. And that sucks.