Geekscape After Dark presents This Ain’t the Munsters XXX!

Welcome to Geekscape After Dark, where we take pornography and emphasize the graphs. Today we’re looking at yet another in an increasingly long line of classic TV parodies from Hustler, This Ain’t the Munsters XXX. And for once, they’re right. This really, really ain’t the Munsters. Although the production values successfully replicate the show’s original aesthetic and the dialogue and performances are spot on, crafting an enjoyable homage to the original series rather than merely lampooning it (and the sex is pretty alluring, if you’re into that sort of thing), there is one thing that separates This Ain’t the Munsters XXX from its brethren, Not the Bradys XXX and This Ain’t the Partridge Family XXX, and that thing, dear readers, is a just little too much incest to be accurate to the original show.

It sure was nice of Grandpa Munster to ressurect Gregg Toland while he was at it.

The creators of the original Munsters, Allan Burns and Chris Hayward, always had what could be described as an incomplete grasp on the concept of genetics, given their stipulation that crossbreeding a Frankenstein with a vampire would result in a werewolf (when we all know it’s far more likely to result in a ghoul or Will-O-the-Wisp, depending on gender). So it’s understandable that somewhere down the line someone somehow somewhen misinterpreted Marilyn Munster’s relationship to the rest of the family, but just to make things clear: She’s Grandpa Munster’s daughter’s daughter, making the first sex sequence in the film (apart from a brief but amusing pre-credits sequence) rather off-putting because it’s between the two of them, i.e. Marilyn and her grandfather, who impersonates her boyfriend via sorcery.

Grandpa Munster: History’s Greatest Monster?

Yeah… That’s a little weird. We’ll get back to that. The film opens just before Herman Munster (a spot-on performance by Lee Stone – Beverly Hills 9021-Ho 1 &2, Who’s Nailin’ Paylin?) and Lilly Munster’s (Roxy DeVille – Craig’s List Compulsion, Scurvy Girls 2) 200th wedding anniversary. That, of course, means that they got married almost ten years before the invention of Frankensteins. This new insight on their relationship cements their love beautifully to the audience, for if Lilly and Herman were married pre-Frankensteins, then that means Lilly married him when he was still human, bridging cultural divides in a notoriously stodgy historical era. Plus, since Herman could not have been Frankensteined until 1818, that means that when he died the only means of reviving him was through Frankensteiniation, which in turn means that through all of their married years Lilly Munster was able to resist her primal bloodlust and keep her beloved husband free from a life of vampirism. True love really does conquer all when a human loves a vampire. That’s good to know. That saves me the two hours I would have had to spend watching Twilight.

It’s not necrophilia if they’re both dead…

So it’s a sweet plotline for one of history’s sweetest couples. Also sweet is Marilyn’s (Shawna Lenee – Bring Me the Head of Shawna Lenee, This Ain’t the Partridge Family XXX) affection for her boyfriend, whom she believes is back in town and eager to see her. But when her “boyfriend” arrives, he’s suspiciously mute and barely able to contain his unbridled exuberance. Despite looking suspiciously like pornographic actor Mick Blue (Glamazon, Who’s Nailin’ Paylin?), the audience is led to believe that he’s actually Grandpa Munster (Gavin Wells, in a debut performance) in disguise. They never explicitly state this, but in the next scene Grandpa pointedly comments about being exhausted, before proceeding to transform into yet another hapless boyfriend (Evan Stone – Kung Fu Nurses A Go-Go, Rawhide, Who’s Nailin’ Paylin?) in order to sleep with that poor guy’s girlfriend (Whitney Stevens – Big Sausage Pizza 15, Old Geezers Young Teasers 2), before finally commenting that he’s had “a very busy day.”

So just to reiterate: ew. At first my mind raced with theories about the fate of Marilyn Munster. What if she wasn’t born a monster, so Grandpa made her one through years of systematic abuse? Is Marilyn Munster just a young Catherine Tramell, Matty Walker or Kris Bolin – a sociopathic femme fatale raised specifically for that purpose by the malevolent Count Dracula himself (as Granda Munster was frequently implied to be)? Was the ancient evil that is Grandpa Munster the real inspiration for Charles Dickens’ villainous Miss Havisham? The answers to these questions, of course, are, “No,” “That sounds totally awesome but probably not” and “Well, obviously.”

Just stay frosty, Evan! He’s probably more scared of you than you are of him!

But like the racism in Resident Evil 5, as Ben “Yahtzee” Croshaw pointed out, this kind of thing is only a real problem if the artists’ intent was malicious, and the rest of This Ain’t the Munsters is such a kindhearted delight in both spirit and craftsmanship that I suspect we can write off any unpleasantness as a harmless retcon, combined with the fundamental flaw in writing pornographic satires of iconic families: all of the characters that the audience paid to see in flagrante delicto are related to each other. Since they cannot have sex together, and the majority of the film’s running time will inevitably be devoted to the sex, several problems arise. First, obviously, you have to introduce more characters for your protagonists to fool around with, sucking away valuable screen time from the already well-endowed principle cast of characters. If you don’t want that to happen, the second problem arises: trying to get away with your protagonists fornicating together. In Not the Bradys XXX, Marcia and Greg were able to sleep together as long as there was a valid interpretation that the incident was a dream, but as we saw in a previous article, allowing for that interpretation detracted from other more dramatically satisfying conclusions which would have benefitted from a proper explanation. This Ain’t the Partridge Family even found a way to broach the subject without actually going through with it, cleverly showing the audience that, “Yes, we know none of our protagonists are sleeping together, but no, they’re not going to because, as we have just reminded you, they are very much related.”

I myself initially saw no problem with the scene in This Ain’t the Munsters XXX, having not seen an episode of The Actual Munsters Rated PG in ages and having been vaguely convinced that Marilyn was adopted (making the sequence at least as forgivable as the one in Not the Bradys XXX), only to later be corrected by my omniscient girlfriend and later by the slightly-less-omniscient internet. (They also informed me that we’re going to see Sunshine Cleaning on Thursday and that the most convenient showing is at 7:20pm, respectively, although screening times are also apparently subject to change, [which is disconcerting].) So basically, you just have to accept the fact that This AIN’T the Munsters (as stated above). It has to be a retcon to allow for further dramatic and pornographic developments. And as a retcon (again, as stated above), it’s Hustler’s best TV satire in the “This Ain’t/Not The” franchise so far… It just would have been nice if they’d been more clear about it. This review would have been about 50% shorter and I would have been able to watch Castle tonight.

In the industry, we call this a “Forced Perspective.”

Anyway, back in the film, the lovableness continues when we discover that Herman Munster, in an effort to think up the perfect anniversary gift, has thought up the perfect anniversary gift: an enormous schwanzstucker. Yes, he’s going to be very popular when Lily finds out he’s arranged for an organ donation from a recently deceased local athlete, and hilarity ensues when Grandpa suddenly seems less-than-confident right before the surgery. “Look at it this way: It should work… At this point, your body’s just a science experiment anyhow… You’re like a giant Etch-A-Sketch. If I screw up, we’ll try again!”

That’s good, clean comedy. Yes, Roger Krypton’s clever screenplay for This Ain’t the Munsters XXX is chock full of classic-sounding gags, like Herman’s line, “Good old Mockingbird Cemetary. You know, I owe a lot to the folks out there. They really made me who I am!” Or, “By now, a normal guy my age would have had a heart attack. Good thing I’m already dead!” Priceless. Remind me not to invite Krypton to my inevitable celebrity roast – that would totally blow. (Pause for laughter, spin bow tie.) But seriously, it’s rare in either pornographic or ordinarily graphic films to find a script for a television adaptation that really feels like it stands alongside the original show, even if it is a retcon.

 This perspective also looks a little forced.

Meanwhile, there’s a breaking story in the Transylvanian News, which as you can see from the screenshot looks a lot like Fox News by way of an anti-smoking commercial, or possibly the evening news in those old Beetlejuice cartoons. Eddie Munster (Trent Soluri – Burnt Fury, My Big Fake Wedding) apparently has a popular band called Eddie & The Bruisers, which I can only assume was the inspiration for the 1983 classic Eddie & The Cruisers, not to mention its superior sequel Eddie & The Cruisers II: Eddie Lives, in which Michael Paré – years after faking his own death – tires of life as a construction worker and secretly assembles a new team of Cruisers who play smaller gigs anonymously because music is more important than fame, until the very end when they learn that you can balance artistic integrity and financial success if you’re totally awesome about it and introduce the back-from-the-dead Eddie Wilson last out of respect for the rest of the band, and not for dramatic effect which would only make you that much more famous, which they totally aren’t going for at all. Thank you, The Munsters  – without you the 80’s would have totally sucked.

Mimes hate America. They’re the real monsters here.

Anyway, there’s some kind of sex tape scandal with Eddie (Munster) and a groupie (Victoria Sin – Night Shift Nurses: Escort Service, Specs Appeal 14) and an unusually open-minded waitress (Aiden Starr – Boobaholics Anonymous 3, I Scored a Soccer Mom 1) having sex, fittingly enough on tape. Although they show the tape in its entirety, I regret to announce that it appears to have no bearing whatsoever on the overarching plot. I scoured this scene over and over again, Blow Up/Out, style, and found only appealing sexual exploits instead of legitimate narrative depth. But that’s okay: No one complained when Stanley Kubrick just sat back and marveled in his technical mastery for extended periods in 2001: A Space Odyssey (except for Pauline Kael, of course), and really, it’s unfair not to compare This Ain’t the Munsters XXX to 2001, since both films spend most of their running time blowing the same thing: Our Minds. (Because they’re both good, you see.)

The film ends with Herman and Lilly’s unabashedly romantic anniversary date at Mockingbird Cemetary, where they had their first kiss. Aw… They unintentionally but hilariously scare away some of the locals (Jenna Haze – Not Bewitched XXX, XXX-Box; Voodoo – Brand New Faces 1-6, 8, 12-13, 16, The Sexorcist) who were themselves having a nice romantic night of Sub-Dom role playing before Herman finally reveals his special gift. Will Lilly Munster accept Herman’s special gift? Will they truly have the best 200th anniversary ever? Will Marilyn discover Grandpa’s deception by the end of the film and give him a stern talking to?  The answers: “Yes,” “It sure looks that way” and “No, it looks like he got away with it. Maybe in the sequel?”

It’s okay…! The cham-pain is Gore-bel!

You might have noticed that all of the screen shots from in this review are in Black & White. Well done! This Ain’t the Munsters XXX is presented in both its original, glorious Black & White transfer as well as the bright and shiny colorized version (thanks, Daniel Clamp), but we here at Geekscape After Dark believe in seeing films as they were originally intended, from color to aspect ratio (except for that one part in Crooklyn, obviously). The Black & White version is lusciously shot and more successfully approximates the look of the original show, and it only improves the already above-par make-up effects.

This Ain’t the Munsters XXX is available in a fine double-disc DVD set from Hustler, loaded with special features like director’s commentary, behind the scenes footage and a blooper reel. It’s a really adorable film (once again, as a retcon) and worth sinking your fangs into.

Because it doesn’t suck. (Exit, Stage Right.)

If she’s looking for more critical analysis, she’s sheet out of luck, because I’m outta here.