Top Five Most Ridiculous Nicholas Cage Movies

Admittedly, this Top Five topic might seem a bit…off. An entire list devoted to the crazy works of Sir Nicholas Cage? “Poppycock!” you might cry. One retarded movie is understandable, but five? After all, Nicholas Cage used to be a respectable actor who would appear in classy, artistic fare. How is it possible that he has slipped this far?

Well calm down Whiney McWhine-Whine. You see, around 10 years ago, Nic Cage (oscar winner) made a fateful decision to stop “reading” scripts, and instead choose potential projects using a broken wishbone and the sage advice from his invisible pet unicorn. If you glance at Nicholas Cage’s filmography, his last dozen or so movies look like the twisted and sick thoughts that Gary Busey writes in his nightly journal (i.e. killer honey bees, bear suits, time travel, and conspiracies involving the president). So, in honor of the recent release of Knowing in theaters nationwide, I thought I’d delve into the world of Nicholas Cage.

The sad thing is that this list could just as easily been comprised of five totally different Cage movies. I actually spent several hours minutes trying to weigh the varying levels of ridiculousness from one Nicholas cage film to the next (i.e. Nic’s hair is completely insane in both Next and Bangkok Dangerous, but the addition of future visions and a creepy relationship with Jessica Biel give Next the nod). Seriously, the process became as arbitrary and pointless…as…um…watching a Nicholas Cage movie. So, in the end, I just covered my eyes and started randomly pointing at my computer screen like an uncoordinated fat kid swings at a piñata. But, in my particular case, that piñata is filled with bat feces.

Let the craziness commence…

National Treasure (1 and 2)
The concept for the National Treasure series is like listening to one of your annoying friends try to explain his incomprehensible dreams to you: “You see…there was a treasure map on the Declaration of Independence, and I traveled to the north pole where there was money underneath New York City…and Jon Voight was my father!”
Basically, both movies in this series are what happens when you combine Jerry Bruckheimer, a room full of chimps, and a seventh grade history textbook. I’m sure many sorts of drugs were also involved.

Although both films eventually reveal the location of a gigantic treasure, they do fail to provide the explanations of even greater and more compelling mysteries. For instance, how is it that the gorgeous Diane Kruger is even remotely attracted to a freakish, lankish zombie of a man who wears funny sunglasses? Furthermore, why does it always look like Nic Cage is wearing a disguise of himself?

Con-Air
I’m convinced that the Cage took this role strictly for the hair style. After all, whenever Nic Cage sports a long-haired “I’m-a-Nickelback-fan” coiffure, you know you’re in for a treat. Let me bring you up to speed: Con-Air came out way back in 1997 hot on the heels of  the another Nic Cage action-fest, the Rock. As a result, the majority of theater patrons thought it was the exact same movie and kept on waiting for Sean Connery to show up. Here, Cage plays Cameron Poe, reformed ex-con, on the way home to greet his perfect wife and daughter. Unfortunately for him, the transport plane gets hijacked by a bunch of brutal criminals that Poe must stop. Admittedly, this plot sounds very much like it was written by the dumb brother in Adaptation.

Obviously, the movie reaches the pinnacle of ridiculousness when Cage brutally kills a man over a stuffed animal.  Hmm…sounds a transcript from my last date… “Put… the bunnah’… back… in the box.”

Ghost Rider
This is Geekscape after all, so a comic book reference is sort of a requirement. Fortunately (or unfortunately) for us, Nicholas Cage just happens to be a huge comic book fan (he named his kid Kal-El for god-sake). So, in 2007, Cage gave us the film adaptation of Ghost Rider. Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not very familiar with the titular (hee, hee “tit”) character, but if I were to make an assumption based on this movie I would say that Ghost Rider is an autistic, semi-retarded lizard man whose head sometimes bursts into flames.  Keeping the creep train on its tracks, this film also features yet another love interest who is far too pretty to be attracted to Nicholas Cage. This time, it’s Eva Mendes. Seriously, folks, if they can’t even make Cage’s hair look real how are we supposed to buy the fact that an incredibly beautiful woman would be into that?

Word on the streets is that Ghost Rider 2 is already fast-tracked into production. As long as we get more montages of Sir Nicholas screaming wildly, I’m sold. Homeboy’s got the “I’m-in-pain-but-oddly-enjoying-it” expression down–basically the number one trait I look for in a woman.

Next
I actually saw Next in the theater. I’m not quite sure what that says about me, but I’m assuming it can’t be good (call me, ladies). For the uninformed, Next is supposedly based on a Philip K. Dick sci-fi short story about a man who has the ability to see into the future. However, like all Dick adaptations (hee, hee: “dick adaptations”), this one pretty much gets everything wrong. For one thing, it stars Nicholas Cage, but, for some other inexplicable reason it also has Julianne Moore slumming it and Jessica Biel as the requisite “I’m too good for Nick Cage, but I’m still the love interest, gosh my agent sucks” character.

Cage plays Cris Johnson (If you spell your name “Cris,” I already want to stab you)–a telepathic genius who uses his amazing abilities to perform as um…a cheap magician at seedy casinos. I, mean, seriously…if you had awesome superpowers, what else would you be doing with your time? As the plot gets going, there’s bunch of stuff about nuclear weapons, generic terrorists, and the government. I don’t really remember the details, per se, because I was too fixed on Nic’s stringy hairdo–it looks like his forehead has gone rogue and is beginning to eat the rest of his body. Hey…wait a minute…throw in some explosions and that sounds like the plot for the next Michael Bay movie. It’s gonna be awesome! Awesome…AWESOME!

The Wicker Man
Sometimes writing one of these articles is just too damn easy. Nicholas Cage’s filmography may be a kalediscope of crazy, but words can barely describe the Wicker Man, the mind-numbing 2006 remake of the 1973 horror classic. It’s sort of sad when a youtube compilation of random clips from the movie is  infinitely more entertaining than the actual film. I haven’t actually seen The Wicker Man in it’s entirety, but I have watched Nic Cage punch a woman while wearing a bear suit. If that’s not grounds for complete and utter ridiculousness, I don’t know what is.

It’s movies like the Wicker Man that remind us how far Nicholas Cage has come and far he has fallen. By now, I’m convinced that at the Coppola’s Thanksgiving Dinner, Cage is resigned to sit at the kiddy table with all the other famous has-beens. Him and Francis definitely have an epic battle over the last drumstick. I mean, c’mon, Godfather was so thirty years ago…

Got a problem with my picks? Well, sir, look at the picture below. That should clear some things up.

Ivan Kander is the handsome and debonair cohost of his very own video podcast. Check it out at www.lucky9studios.com/worstmovieever. He secretly loves Guarding Tess.