The Top-10 Fictional Military Forces

Happy Memorial Day! This is the time of year when we commemorate those who have perished in military service by taking a day off, eating hot dogs that have been cooked outdoors, drinking lukewarm punch, and watching cars drive around in a circle really quickly (the Indianapolis 500 has been an establishment since 1911). It may have its origins in somber mourning, but generations regard the holiday as the joyous start of Summer Vacation. We may be paying homage to the soldiers of yore, but kids love the holiday as a much-needed day off.

To keep things more military-minded, and to recall the military theme of the holiday we’ll be celebrating over the weekend, I have, in honor of the real soldiers fighting abroad, and the fake ones storming the alien motherships in our imaginations, compiled the following list of ten fictional military forces from movies, TV, and other pop culture locales. Some of these groups are bloodthirsty warmongers, who savagely murder people (or creatures) by the busload. Some or benevolent organizations bent on wrecking peace and order throughout the galaxy. Some are secretive elite forces, clandestinely fighting the super-powered terrorists that would do in the world. Whatever their character, though, each of these military forces is notable for their gumption and their vim.

There then, are the top-ten:

10) The Robotech Defense Force

from “Robotech” (1985) and its spinoffs

The continuity of “Robotech” is a vast and impenetrable one, covering several timelines and continuities that only the most hardcore of fans can follow. The original idea behind “Robotech” is, however, pretty damn cool. Here is what I could discern from some cursory internet research:

In 1999, right when Earth was on the brink of a worldwide nuclear war, an alien spacecraft crash landed on Macross Island. The crash made everyone nervous, and the world militaries joined together to fight a potential alien invasion. The aliens, called Zentraedi, are 50-foot tall giants, and are sensitive about where their ships land, so they did indeed send an invading force after their crashed ship in order to destroy it, and humanity be damned. Luckily humanity had the wherewithal to form the Robotech Defense Force, an army of soldiers with gigantic 50-foot-tall robots suits. They could fly through space and shoot missiles with the best pf them.

Please don’t leave comments explaining how much I left out of the Robotech mythos; I know there’s a lot. Do note, however, the interest we sci-fi geeks have in gigantic robot suits. “Robotech” wasn’t the only Japanese cartoon show to feature such a conceit (“Voltron,” and “Tranzor Z” spring to mind as well), and it wasn’t long before Americans started making their own giant robot armies as well. “Robot Jox” is well-beloved may many an interior 15-year-old, and thanks to James Cameron, we have several silly robot suits. As in…

9) The United States Colonial Marines

from “Aliens” (1986)

James Cameron, as you may or may not know, once worked as a professional trucker before he became a filmmaker. And while these days he may be better-known for action-packed, touchy-feely SFX romances, he was once bent on making a definitive film about the hard-drinking, hard-fighting, larger-than-life world of truckers. He came closest in his 1986 actioner “Aliens,” which pitted a group of tough-as-nails marines against a swarm of hard-to-kill killer creatures. The film is exciting and well-paced, despite the weird fight scene at the end where the alien mother fights Sigourney Weaver in a robot suit.

The military in this film are dispatch to a distant planet where they know killer aliens are lurking. They are a cocky lot, and proclaim they will have no trouble killing the monsters. They are dudded up with superguns, and the best possible military training. They joke and eat gruel, and reminisce about wars in the past. They are, essentially, warm-hearted space-truckers who can kill with efficiency. Bill Paxton plays the whiner, Michael Biehn plays their fearless leader, and, most notably, Jeanette Goldstein, in her butch hairdo, ripped biceps and tight tank-top, played the grunting badass.

Cameron has also been fond of strong women, and Jeanette Goldstein, as pvt. Vasquez, is one of the strongest. She seems tough and capable, and able to make her own decisions. Something tells me that Cameron wanted to get her on screen more, but had to stick with Ellen Ripley, who, herself, was transformed into kind of a badass in this film.

8) The First Battalion Transvestite Brigade, airborne wing

from “Eddie Izzard: Dress to Kill” (1998)

 First, watch this video, starting at the 3:38 mark:

And, yes, he’s right! What would be more surprising than an brigade of transvestite soldiers, parachuting into dangerous areas with fantastic makeup!? If the army employed more of these oddball tactics, perhaps wars would be over more quickly.

7) The USNC Army

from “Halo” (2001)

The United Nations Space Command has created a badass army of cyber-warriors. Think The Borg, but fast-moving, articulate, and with guns. The USNC needed these warriors to fight off a group of space aliens called The Covenant, who would stop humanity from using their planet to colonize. The USNC, even at the outset of the first “Halo” game, have been fighting for decades already, and have suffered crippling losses. “Halo,” it seems, is a sci-fi war game that tries to accurately replicate a true-to-life military quagmire.

The soldiers in “Halo” are, at first appearance, little more than the masked wonks you usually see being blown away by the hundreds in sci-fi movies. “Halo” attempts to add some tragedy to the proceedings, though, as it seems that the game cannot be ultimately “won.” You may beat the game and complete all the levels, but the story surrounding the game implies that your gameplay actions have no baring on the outcome on the war. No more heroes anymore.

I have not played the “Halo” games, but I have tried on a Master Chief helmet (complete with night-vision goggles), and just wearing it made me feel kind of badass. I also like that the game’s makers didn’t merely make their faceless soldiers into bland, indestructible monsters, trying to give them humanity by making them doomed.

6) The KISS Army

founded 1975

I wanna rock ‘n’ roll all night. And party every day. We are the worshipers of the Starchild, The Demon, Space Ace, and Catman. We have leather-studded talismans that give us our powers. We can destroy phantoms, and stomp in your face with our gigantic boots. We are dressed to kill. We are the Destroyers. We are creatures of the night. Members of the psycho circus. We will band together and shoot you down with our love guns.

Few bands are flashier than KISS, and few bands are less pretentious. In ostentatious makeup and outfits, KISS would charge out on stage with no agenda other than singing about how much they liked booze, pussy and parties. There is an innocent directness in the plainly demonic trappings of KISS. They are trying to shock your parents. And, thanks to order forms printed in their 1976 album “ Destroyer,” you could be part of their army, hellbent on taking over the world with the power of rock. The KISS army is the best army in the world, because you get to be in it.

Over the years, the KISS army has only grown, claiming even (if you can believe it) ex-secretary of state Condoleezza Rice. You keep on shouting. You! Keep on shouting! I can’t hear you!

5) S.H.I.E.L.D.

From various Marvel comics, beginning in 1965

The character of Nick Fury was originally a grizzled, hard-chewing solider who fought on the front-lines of various commonplace wars. It wasn’t until he joined the mascent government organization S.H.I.E.L.D. that he really began to come into his own as a super-smart superspy who would fight aliens and supervillains from his flying headquarters. S.H.I.E.L.D. (Supreme Headquarters, International Espionage, Law-Enforcement Division) are more than a shadowy cabal of superspies like MI-6. They are a legitimate military force trained in secret tactics, and the mechanics of supervillainy.

S.H.I.E.L.D. (also Strategic Hazard Intervention Espionage Logistic Directorate), despite is cool-ass superhero superspy army setup, is more than just means for mayhem, though. They are an open acknowledgment from its creators that superheroes need their own policing system. They need something to organize them and keep tabs on their actions. If you have dozens of costumed vigilantes running amok, why not band them together under the aegis of a secret government institution? In a way S.H.I.E.L.D. is more powerful than any superhero in that they have the means and the bureaucracy to keep them all in check.

Nick Fury has appeared across several comics, a TV movie, has has cameos in several recent superhero feature films, and is slated to be a lead character in several others. S.H.I.E.L.D. has invaded the mass consciousness for the time being.

4) The Mobile Infantry

from Starship Troopers (1959)

The Klendathu are attacking Earth! Those horrible space bugs are godless horrors from beyond the stars!It’s your only recourse to help fight back. If you are an able-bodied young person, between the ages of 17-20, you can enlist! You can fight! You can help save your planet from the enemy! We’ll keep fighting! We’ll win!

Robert A. Heinlein’s 1959 novel, and Paul Verhoeven’s much-debated 1997 feature film based on it, are masterful in the way they use a sci-fi army of eager-to-kill-and-equally-eager-to-die young people to mirror the kill-’em-all propaganda that surrounds war, and the need for military action. Heinlein has said that his novel reflects his pro-military beliefs he harbored at the time; he supported a strong American nuclear program. Verhoeven took the book one step further, and turned the war experience into a cleverly satiric action film which turned the human race into a group of twentysomething Nazi-like murderers of creepy alien creatures.

The Mobile Infantry is like a dream military for the hawk. All of its members wish for a better life, have hopes and dreams, and are willing to shoot thousands of rounds of ammo into the still-beating hearts of a ten-foot-tall insect in order to achieve them. They shout oo-rahs, and get matching tattoos. They are a co-ed outfit, and the women are just as tough as the men. And they’re all so damn good looking with their clear sin, straight teeth, impeccably coiffed hair, and their pseudo-fascist uniforms. We have seen the enemy. And he is us. And damn they’re awesome.

3) Starfleet

from “Star Trek” (1966) and its spinoffs.

This is the one military force on this list that is not devoted to defense, nor to conquering. Starfleet is a para-military organization set up in San Francisco, ordered by the United Federation of Planets to travel about the stars, making peace, studying spacial phenomenon, and learn important sociological lessons from newly-discovered intelligent life forms. There is a military system in place; they are constructed like naval ships, complete with ship captains, doctors, engineers, and other specialists, all of whom were trained trough Starfleet outfits. But these are not warships. These are ships for travel and exploration.

This is the kind of military I like. Sure, The Enterprise has shields and phasers and photon torpedoes, just in case they get in a scrape, but their primary function is to learn and explore. And they can’t operate a machine as vast and as complex as a starship without rigid military rules, ranks and specialists. But the strictness is to make sure you’re giving your A game, and not to kill others. Violence is always a last resort. Unless you’re Captain Kirk, then you can get into the occasional fistfight.

It’s rare that we get to see the inner workings of a military organization with the detail we saw on the various “Star Trek” programs. The makers of the shows were very good at making it look like The Enterprises were operational machines, and that the power hierarchy was rigidly established.

2) The Empire

from “Star Wars” (1980)

And while you never had any sort of idea as to how the power structure really works, or what The Empire was unmistakably the single mot threatening military force in the galaxy. They lived on board a gigantic, moon-sized weapon they called, not-so-subtly, The Death Star, having hushed conversations in darkened offices about how they planned on destroying entire planets, and taking down that pesky Underground.

While The Empire’s Storm Troopers have been called jokingly The Gang That Couldn’t Shoot Straight, their sheer numbers were such that they managed to take over the galaxy at some point, and a generation of men are in those shiny armored uniforms. Some have been tried to fly TIE Fighters and take down enemy ships. By sheer dint of will, and a vast, vast arsenal to back them up, The Empire has managed to keep the entire galaxy in its iron grip.

What’s more, on of The Empire chief enforcers is am evil masked psychic monk with a light sword who can strangle you from across the room, and often does. He can fly a TIE fighter like everyone else, and is driven by what he calls The Dark Side. He is essentially a Nazi SS commander who is quick to fight hand-to-hand, has psychic powers, can fly a jet, and is fueled, rather literally, by hate. If you don’t fear The Empire, you are a fool.

1) G.I. Joe

from “G.I. Joe” (toy ,1964. TV show, 1985)

“G.I. Joe” has become so ubiquitous, it could be argued that the popular perception of the military (at least until the 1990s) is more about these toys and cartoons than it is about actual soldiers. In the 1960s, the “G.I. Joe” action figures were sold to little boys as idealized versions of military fighting men. They were not bloodthirsty characters, but clean-cut, hardworking enlisted men with short haircuts and kung-fu grip. The Joes were not merely fighting in whatever war the U.S. was embroiled in at the time, but were an elite squad assembled to fight a secret terrorist organization called The Cobra Command, who had complex schemes for quick world dominance.

This conflict was made more detailed in the 1985 cartoon series that, let’s face it, we all watched. It was a blind, cheery endorsement of the military, filtered through the little-boy, rose-colored prism of robot tanks, laser guns, and space vehicles. And while the actual military mechanics of “G.I. Joe” were pointedly obfuscated, and the conflicts were grossly oversimplified toy commercials, a generation of little boys first learned about war and military conquest from “G.I. Joe.” They are a presence in our minds, and a part of our subconscious. These Joes are the military.

In recent years, “G.I. Joe” has been slipping deeper and deeper into fantasy territory, and its relation to the real-life conflicts in the world is becoming increasingly distant. This is all fine. As cartoons (and cartoon-like feature films) go, the little boys only want to see lasers and ‘splosions and characters with clearly-designed outward traits that they can easily understand. “G.I. Joe” is still doing its part to fulfill our war fantasies.

Witney Seibold is a dove living in Los Angeles with his wife, his books, his videos, and his unpopular opinions. He once had a clearly-outlined plans to flee to Canada in case the U.S. ever instated a draft. He writes film reviews from time to time, which can be accessed at his ‘blog Three Cheers for Darkened Years! He is also the co-host, with William Bibbiani, of The B-Movies Podcast at CRAVE Online, which runs weekly, and you would do well to subscribe to.